Sunday, 9th August 2020

Pubs to pipe in pre-recorded misogyny and flatulence

PUBS in England have announced they will be using a pre-recorded playlist of classic pub noises when they reopen.

Concerned about reduced numbers and strict social distancing measures, pubs across the nation have put together a soundtrack of nonsensical rants and flatulence to make patrons feel more comfortable.

Pub landlord Nathan Muir said: “There are limits on the number of people we can have in and obviously folks are still worried about the virus, so they won’t be producing quite as much top-quality banter as they normally do.

“We’ve asked some of the regulars to send in homemade recordings of their tiresome opinions, focusing on everything from women to real ale.

“As well as fart noises, we’ll be adding the smell too. It’s been the classic pub fragrance since the smoking ban was introduced.

“Just like footballers need to feel like there’s a crowd of cheering fans, our patrons need to feel like there’s a crowd of men who will punch you for no reason. It’s what makes pubs great.”