Your guide to the government's horrible, overpriced new-build homes

BORIS Johnson has promised to ‘build build build’ more affordable homes, which are bound to be tiny new flats you still can’t afford. Here’s what property developers have in mind.

Incredibly cramped and tiny

People unfairly malign the dimensions of new-build flats. There’s probably enough room to swing a cat in the minuscule living room. But don’t try it unless you hate your cat.

Unbearable marketing blurb

The new-build flat must be in ‘an exclusive, well-situated development of just 22 luxury apartments boasting spacious amenity areas’. Yeah, it’s some flats with a tiny patch of lawn next to a dodgy estate. The duck pond was just artistic licence in the brochure.

Unnerving quantities of similar flats for sale nearby

Nothing says ‘good investment’ like block after block of empty new-build flats in incongruous locations, possibly the result of Malaysian investors being duped into thinking Luton is central London.

Shiny fixtures

Kitchens must be aggressively shiny to reflect light and give the illusion of space. Floors must also be shiny because there’s no way property developers are going to put in priceless luxury items like carpet. Who do you think you are, Elizabeth Taylor? 

Startlingly overpriced

Of course it’s reasonable to charge £579,950 for a two-bed flat. Cheap internal fittings don’t come cheap, you know. Hang on, yes they do. But the glossy marketing for this cost a fortune. The brochure is practically a beautiful coffee table book, although not actually true.

Not actually finished yet

Only a real nitpicker would expect the flat to have actually been built yet. That would take away the uncertainty and sense of risk that makes buying a property so exciting and enjoyable.

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Last mum to correct her children's Americanisms gives up

THE last British mum who dutifully corrects her children’s Americanisms has finally given up.

Carolyn Ryan has been trying to maintain standards, but has now conceded defeat after a barrage of American English from her two young daughters.

Ryan said: “Every conversation with my kids is, ‘Can we watch a movie? And can I have some candy? Or a cupcake with frosting?’

“At first you firmly say, ‘No, but you can watch a film with some sweets, or a fairy cake with icing’. But then they don’t understand you.

“It’s a losing battle. I managed to get them to stop saying ‘pants’ meaning trousers briefly, but yesterday the oldest one upped her game by saying she’d ‘got smarts’. I almost threw up.

“You can keep banging on about proper English but they’ll just think you’ve lost it and tell you about their friend’s mum who has, apparently, ‘gotten therapy’. So I’ve given up.”

After being interrupted by her daughter Daisy, Ryan added: “Quit bugging me. Let’s go to the store for cookies. Put your sneakers on.”