Relief as big wine shop stockpiles shit loads of extra bevvy

A WINE shop that is stockpiling as much as booze as possible has been praised for its deep understanding of Britain.

Majestic Wines is loading up with 1.5m extra bottles in the event of a no-deal Brexit so that it can continue to make money and help prevent widespread anarchy.

Grateful boozehound Tom Logan said: “Fuck Rees-Mogg and his gang of spivs – this is real patriotism.

“This is what it means to actually give a damn about your country. Finally me and my pisshead friends feel that someone is looking out for us when this all goes tits up.”

A government spokesman said: “Majestic are acting in the national interest and we would encourage other purveyors of bevvy to do the same.

“If this country runs low on booze it will make Mad Max will look like A Room With a View.”

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Cafe owner going to kill laptop-using twat

A COFFEE shop owner is about to murder the Mac user who has bought one cup of tea in three hours, it has emerged.

Laptop user Stephen Malley, who looks like a prick in his corduroy jacket and Converse high-tops, entered the Coffee Spot in Bristol at 8.33am, nonchalantly flipped open his shiny silver computer and ordered a small pot of English Breakfast Tea like he had not a care in the world.

That was three hours ago, and he has used the toilet three times since then.

Watching Malley from the kitchen, owner Logan said: “There’s a fine line between ‘customer’ and ‘parasite’. That piece of shit crossed it two hours ago.

“He could at least have bought a fucking cake. Didn’t even have to be a proper cake. Maybe just a bit of shortbread. But nooooooo….

“Look at him, sitting there probably designing a spanking new logo for some coffee corporation that’s going to open up next door and put me on the fucking street.

“I could creep up behind him with this meat cleaver, he wouldn’t even notice because he’s got Bon Iver or some shit blasting on his stupid little earphones.

“Wait… he’s… he’s… he’s… he’s plugging it in.”

Moments before his skull was cleft in twain, Stephen Malley said: “I’m actually just uploading a dubstep DJ mix I did and checking out some cool Japanese graffiti blogs.”