Six lockdown cocktails for this weekend

BINGE-DRINKING as usual this weekend? Freshen it up by mixing yourself one of these unprecedented-times-themed cocktails.

The Captain Tom

Saluting the heroism of Britain’s favourite NHS fundraiser, this mixes Bombay Sapphire to reflect his army days and tequila to represent his years as a motorcycle racer, all on a base of vintage port. Try doing 10 laps of the garden after this one and appreciate him even more.

The Furlough

A lazy daytime cocktail mixing pear cider, white wine and a dash of Pimm’s, this should be drunk in the garden at 10am contemplating another flawlessly blue sky. Ideal for those remembering what work used to be.

The Stars-At-Home

Mix vodka, honey liqueur and Goldschlager with cloudy lemonade in a pint glass. When you’re halfway down imagine that you’re famous and talking to a chat show host on your laptop, then do an acoustic, hammered and wildly out-of-tune cover of Adele’s Hello.

The Key Workers’ Salute

A layered cocktail of grenadine, vodka and lemonade, then finally blue curacao, this is a patriotic way of showing your support for our brave key workers. And after about five of these, you’ll feel as wrecked and hazy as they do after 16-hour shifts.

The Oh F**k This Is Real And Happening

The perfect companion to those nameless panics that suddenly pull you under, often around dusk. This cocktail mixes white rum, dark rum, lemon, lime and orange juice for a drink that reassures you that should the worst happen you’ll be too shitfaced to worry.

The Government Response

Take the dregs of everything you’ve got left at the bottom of bottles, shake well, down it in one, stagger to an improvised press podium and try to pretend it was a good idea and your plan all along. You’ll be sweating like Matt Hancock in no time.

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Britain will always associate this difficult time with that lube advert

THE UK has confirmed that it will always associate this tough and tragic time with that lube advert that is never off the air. 

The advert, which features the once-heard-never-forgotten phrase ‘Bit dry down there?’ will bring back memories of being locked down in a global pandemic whenever Britons see it, which they hope will be never.

Susan Traherne said: “Lube? The world as we know it has ended, and you’re trying to sell me lube?

“I mean, I guess it’s still a valid product. I can see why it’s still on when all the clothes and car companies have cancelled their ads. But it’s four times an hour.

“Are people really going on their weekly shop, gloved and masked, and popping a bottle of Durex Naturals Intimate Gel on top of their potatoes? Are sales booming? Am I the only one who’s not doing this?”

Steve Malley agreed: “I’m watching a lot more terrestrial telly since all this started because it makes things feel normal. Apart from that advert.

“For the rest of my life when I hear the words ‘Ladies, let’s lube’ I’ll flash straight back to these dark days.”