Six places not to arrive at pissed

DRINKING heavily, if you’re British, is not so much a vice as an expectation. Nonetheless there are certain locations it’s a mistake to arrive at already pissed:

The hire car desk

There’s a lot of waiting around and paperwork to get a hire car, so understandably it’s an advantage to be smashed up until the bit when you have to drive an unfamiliar car away. No matter how many of their special protection schemes you sign up to with a drunken flourish, staff will still have reservations.

Buckingham Palace for an investiture

The King has never met a drunk person with a worth of less than £100m, apart from our last-but-one prime minister. He has no idea it is allowed. You thundering in from the Bag O’ Nails bringing your six new best mates will meet armed resistance.


You can’t arrive pissed in Dubai, though you’d need to be shitfaced to want to go to f**king Dubai. You can get rat-arsed in private, which is how Brits working here survive, but walking through the airport arms aloft wearing a Chelsea away shirt with a can in each hand? No.

The Northumberland coast to see a rare grey-headed lapwing

A bird which normally summers in Japan is here and hundreds of twitchers are silently waiting for it to emerge as you pay off your Uber driver, slap his roof with an intoxicated ‘Oy oy!’ and turn to them asking: ’Where’s this f**king bird then?’


If you arrive in Dublin swaying on the travelator, your next memory of Dublin will be swaying on the travelator facing the other way as your plane is called.

An intervention

When confronting a friend, family member or lover about their excessive use of addictive substances, it’s plain tactless to have a few sharpeners first. And also to drink throughout it saying, ‘You want to stick to the booze, mate. Oh, it is the booze? Sorry I thought it was coke.’

The Svalbard Global Seed Vault

Based inside a mountain on an island in a remote Arctic archipelago, this vault stores seeds at -18ºC. What are you even thinking, rocking up there 12 pre-mixed Pornstars to the good? How did you even get there? Why in f**k are you tapping at the window trying to order a kebab?

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Friend firmly believes she can sing

A WOMAN completely lacking in self-awareness considers herself to be extremely vocally talented, it has emerged.

Lucy Parry, aged 32, has been increasingly keen to go to karaoke bars on nights out and while she claims this is due to it being ‘a right laugh’, those close to her believe she is labouring under the misapprehension that she could be the next Adele.

Friend Sophie Rodriguez said: “Instead of crowd-pleasers for drunk people, she always picks obscure Celine Dion ballads that ‘show off her range’. She tries to do all the vocal runs and high notes. It’s difficult to watch.

“But a karaoke booth with the door shut is a controlled environment where she can’t be exposed to strangers, and now she’s bought a ukulele and started muttering about open mic nights. I’m not sure she should be inflicted on the general public.

“So we’re thinking about doing an intervention. I guess there’s no such thing as rehab for delusional wannabe singers, but showing her a video we took of her absolutely murdering Skyfall should snap her out of it.”