Manchester United to face off against evil nega-self

THIS afternoon’s FA Cup final sees Manchester United face off against their even more evil negative self, Manchester City.

City, United’s dark nemesis from an infernal dimension, came into being in 2008. Previously United had been held back from their awful dominance of football by the pious might of Liverpool, the black science of Arsenal and the brute oligarchical wealth of Chelsea.

But when all these clubs combined could not halt the monstrous juggernaut of United, spacetime was ruptured and beings of pure evil poured through, modelling themselves on United in every loathsome way, but stronger.

Football commentator Mark Lawrenson explains: “United faced their own dark twin in every battle for the title. Blue to their red but aping United in every way.

“Fuelled by limitless money, capable of limitless depravity, competition is alien to City’s demons. Blindly copying their hated mentor, they only understand total dominance.

“Once they have achieved absolute footballing supremacy with their unholy Treble, they will explode with power. Their evil minions will cover the Earth, passing and passing us all into submission. We will slave in City’s satanic trophy mines.”

He added: “Or Ferguson retired, United went to shit and City got bought by an oil state. Could be that.”

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Single man wishes he could find a woman who likes Friends, Harry Potter and dogs

A SINGLE man looking for love is on the hunt for a rare woman who ticks a series of very specific boxes.

Desperate Tinder user Tom Booker is holding out hope that he will one day match with an elusive breed of woman who likes the most popular sitcom, book series and pet of all time.

He said: “Maybe I’ve set my standards too high. There’s no way I’ll ever find such a perfect woman who’s into all three. They just don’t exist.

“Sometimes I’ll think I’ve found someone who meets my exacting criteria, but then it turns out she’s more into the US The Office or the His Dark Materials series. At which point I have to politely ghost her and go back to square one.

“It’s a tiring search. Most women just want one-night stands, aren’t picky about my height, and hate going on adventures. Surely there must be one lady out there who’s the exact opposite? I feel like I’m panning for gold or looking for a four-leaf clover over here.”

Singleton Nikki Hollis said: “I feel Tom’s pain. I want a guy who’s into travelling, doesn’t take himself too seriously and loves getting photographed holding a fish he’s just caught. But are there any blokes like this on dating apps? Are there f**k.”