Seven musical acts which are nice and safe for gammons

TODAY’S so-called ‘pop stars’ care more about the rainforest and prancing around like nancy boys than proper tunes. Luckily for gammons, there are still some you can listen to without getting even angrier.

Chas & Dave

Chas may have passed – RIP, maestro – but the duo’s British humour lives on. Modern youngsters don’t appreciate ‘rockney’, and think lyrics about nagging wives are somehow ‘out of date’. They should get down the boozer, sing Rabbit and discuss the barmaid’s breasts. That’ll learn them there’s more to life than woke.

Eric Clapton

If GB News needs a house band, Eric’s your man. He’s an ‘old-fashioned conservative’ and we can forgive the druggie, free-love blip in his career which was Cream. Sadly today’s snowflakes don’t recognise genius when they hear it, whether it’s the riff from Layla or Eric’s pissed-up views on immigration.

Geri Halliwell

When she’s not at F1’s spiritual home of Silverstone with Christian Horner, Geri’s probably still banging on about Margaret Thatcher inventing ‘Girl Power’. Probably. Nobody remembers her switching allegiance to the Labour Party because it’s difficult to keep track of her infinite babbling. The Union Jack dress is all that matters. 

Ian Brown

Gammons’ Covid denialism has been confirmed by the pandemic magically ending. So well done Ian Brown for trying to free the sheeple from lockdown hell with a matter-of-fact song and your well-thought-out public statements. You’re definitely going to buy his latest CD if it pisses off metropolitan lefties. And if it’s not too shit to actually listen to, that’s a bonus.

Status Quo

Has there ever been more of a national institution than Francis Rossi? (Apart from the Queen.) He invented rock music as we know it, right here in Brexit Britain. The Quo had too many fantastic chugalong hits to mention: In the Army Now, The Wanderer, Rockin’ All Over the World. A brilliant song, so long as they don’t come here.

Take That

We’ll overlook the gay stuff, because they’ve grown up and are doing good patriotic gigs like His Royal Highness’ Coronation. Gary’s already Tory, and the other one and the other other one should be okay now Robbie’s gone and taken his cocaine and tattoos with him. Although seeing him perform the working man’s karaoke classic Angels at the hallowed Bet365 Stadium was the greatest night of your life.

The Who

Nowadays eco protestors would say throwing TVs out of hotel windows is wasteful consumerism, or you’ve got to drive an electric car into swimming pools. And with Roger Daltrey’s admirable Brexit crusade it’s surprising the woke police haven’t cancelled the Who because Keith Moon wasn’t transgender. The greatest band ever. Legends. Monsters of gammon.

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Dickhead nation that gave all its DVDs to the charity shop now at the mercy of streaming

BRITONS are having deep regrets about clearing out their DVD collections assuming they would be too busy with new stuff and it would all be on Netflix anyway.

Once streaming became the thing, the nation headed to charity shops with film classics and full series of The Sopranos, The Wire and other quality shows, hoping to save space and not look like a saddo still watching Friends 19 years after it finished.

Tom Logan said: “It was only after we gave away our entire collection of DVDs like they were hideous glassware or a dead gran’s old coat that we realised we’d been shafted.

“They dropped Only Fools And Horses and Fawlty Towers right away and now we’re stuck with a bunch of half-arsed prison dramas, generic thrillers and true-life crime documentaries with titles like The Killer Inside or Murder At The Lake

”There are quirky comedies called Trevor or Norman, but only trendy Guardian TV critics pretend to like those, and you don’t find out what happens until 2028.

“Now we’re paying £90 a month across a range of streaming channels to watch old episodes of Yes, Prime Minister. For the love of God, don’t make the mistakes we did.”

Charlotte Phelps said: “Streaming was meant to be a new dawn for TV. What did we get? Obi-Wan Kenobi doing f**k all so he doesn’t bugger up the continuity of Star Wars. The Rings of Power made me think Tolkien shouldn’t have bothered, and I’m not even sure what Velma is meant to be. 

“Still, my friends and I have some great conversations in the pub about Halo the TV series. We’re always bonding over our favourite bits and wondering what will happen next.

“No we’re not. That was bitter sarcasm.”