Six things pubs think are great which are just a pain in the arse

ALL a pub needs is alcohol, toilets and, in a perfect world, seats. But your local hostelry thinks you want more. Here’s the unnecessary pub stuff that will quickly get on your tits.

Spirit promotions 

Always a new brand of vodka you’ll never drink again called ‘Ice Wolf’ or something equally wank. Your evening will be made a misery by incessant vodka propaganda on the pub’s speakers. And the women in hotpants handing out shots don’t want to shag you, they want to turn you into an alcoholic.

Historical local prints

Invariably of some dull local street in 1911. Why you’d want to see a featureless, deserted version of the road just outside is unclear. It’s like people in 2150 putting up pictures of pedestrian crossings and LED bus signs and finding them f**king fascinating.

Pie and a Pint Night

Regulars attendees become incapable of talking about anything other than Pie Night, so their conversation will be things like: ‘We both had steak and kidney’, ‘Lots of nice big bits of chicken’ or simply ‘Lovely pie’. It’s as if their horizons have shrunk. You’d have some respect for them if it was Pie and TS Eliot Night, Pie and the Films of Andrei Tarkovsky Night, and or even Pie and Heroin Night.

Board games 

Did you go out to get pissed like an adult, or did you want to relive a tedious Christmas when you were eight and your family played endless, joyless games of Game of Life? It’s probably not the latter, is it?

A local celebrity 

Not even an ex-member of S Club 7, ‘local celebrities’ plumb bathyspherical new depths. They’re likely to be called ‘Eric the Banjo Man Wilcox’ and do local charity work. Eric will intersperse his banjo tunes with ‘amusing’ anecdotes like meeting Fiona Bruce and forgetting her name. The bored audience will be too polite to tell him to f**k off, which is a shame because he desperately needs a wake-up call.

Karaoke night 

The pub is basically handed over to a hardcore of show-offs who think they can sing. It’s particular painful if the pub is small, so you’re forced to give up trying to have a conversation and listen to a squawked-out version of Up Where We Belong. In fairness, karaoke nights do pull in the punters. But so did Brexit, David Koresh and the Nazis.

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Celebrity children who owe their wealth and success to hard graft

CELEBRITY children are accused by poor people of only earning their money through family connections. But that’s just sour grapes. Here are some who clawed their way to the top through sheer hard work.

Brooklyn Beckham

Most 23-year-olds drive a hatchback or get the bus, but young Brooklyn drives a £1 million McLaren sports car thanks to his job as a chef, slaving over a hot griddle for up to 18 hours a day making his trademark delicacy, sausage and egg sandwiches. He learned his trade during four years spent working in a food van on a layby off the A339 near Basingstoke.

Euan Blair

Young Euan is worth an estimated £160 million and received an MBE for services to education. He started work as a chimney sweep aged six, cleaning out the chimneys in his dad’s house in Downing Street. He studied by candlelight between finishing work at midnight and getting up at 6am, and won a £50,000 scholarship at Yale despite being really tired.

Prince George

Young Prince George is third in line to the throne, but rather than have everything handed to him on a silver plate carried by a footman, he insists on paying his own way. He does a paper round on Saturday morning to pay for his royal tours of Canada and Australia and washes neighbours’ cars to go on diplomatic visits with his parents to Poland and Germany.

Paris Hilton

Socialite Paris is worth an estimated £255 million, all of it earned through hard graft. The hotel empire heiress applied for and got a summer job at Topshop, then was made temporary manager of the jeans and leggings department when Stacey was off sick for three weeks. Her sterling work holding the fort led to an employee of the month award, which kickstarted her career as a model, TV celebrity and socialite.

Kim Kardashian

Kimberley Noel Kardashian is worth £1.5 billion but her immense wealth is nothing to do with her immensely wealthy parents or marrying immensely wealthy Kanye West. She started her empire selling handmade brooches at car boot sales, before branching out into bangles on eBay. The bulk of her income comes from this, with celebrity-related earnings bringing in ‘50 quid a week if she’s lucky’.