Five things sickeningly perfect couples you know are into

DO you know a couple who are tediously perfect in every f**king way? Then they will definitely be into these things…

Batch cooking

Not content with being the type of wankers who ‘eat clean’, this couple have now got into batch cooking because, they smugly explain, it allows them to always have healthy meals ready when they need them. Bully for you, you think, ordering a delicious pizza while they microwave yet another portion of month-old cauliflower korma.


These two aspirational pricks can’t make do with a bog standard exercise bike and instead spaff two grand on a Peloton so they can pretend they’re riding around outside. They’ll be hugely supportive of each other’s progress, which they think is cute but makes you want to vomit on its 24-inch HD touchscreen.


‘We know how incredibly fortunate and privileged we are,’ these twats coo humbly, ‘So we want to give something back.’ However, they’re obviously only doing it because it makes them look good as they only volunteer at nice places like the local donkey sanctuary and keep well away from the local food bank, which might expose them to poor people and make them feel bad.


While other couples are relaxing by lying on the sofa like lumps watching The Sandman, these bellends are sitting cross-legged in their living room listening to a guided meditation tape. The irony is that both couples reach a state of silent bliss but only one of them gets to watch telly while doing it.


‘Oh, we’re so boring these days,’ the couple you hate say with horribly self-satisfied smiles, ‘We just stay in and do jigsaws.’ And thank f**k they do, as it means you can go down the pub without these dicks ostentatiously holding hands while they drink a sensible amount and generally making you feel nauseous without the usual cause of nine pints of Kronenbourg.

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How the Cambridge children's new life in Windsor will be normal just like yours

THE Cambridges are moving their family to Windsor to live a low-key life in a listed four-bed home in private grounds. Here’s how their lives will be as bog-standard as yours from now on.

They’ll be near the grandparents

George, Charlotte and Louis’ new house is just up the road from their nan’s, so their parents can easily foist them on her, just like an ordinary parent. Yes, their nan just happens to be the reigning monarch. And instead of a bungalow with horrible wallpaper that stinks of cigarette smoke, she just happens to live in a castle with 1,000 rooms – ideal for ‘normal’ games of hide and seek that last two weeks. 

They’re downsizing

The cost of living crisis is hitting average people hard. None more so than the Cambridges who will be downsizing from their 20-room pad in central London to a pokey, four-bed cottage with dodgy decor left over from previous owners, such as a ceiling covered with gilded dolphins and a marble Graeco-Egyptian fireplace. 

There’s a park nearby

The Cambridges have a modest 655-acre park on their doorstep, where they can do normal things like trout fishing and wandering along paths with cedar trees named after monarchs they are directly related to. Oh, and their family just happens to own it and have private use of it – no queuing for the swings or looking out for smashed bottles and syringes for them, depending on what mischief Uncle Andrew’s getting up to these days. 

They’ll be going to a local school

Their new school will be a 15-minute drive away like so many school runs. And they’ll probably be using public transport to get there, in the sense that their luxury Range Rover is funded by taxpayers. At school they’ll be doing a typical curriculum including Latin, bee-keeping and cooking, just like any other average child whose parents fork out £50,000 a year on fees. 

They won’t have a live-in nanny

Nanny will no longer be on hand for a quick nose-wipe at any time of day or night, and the Cambridges may also say goodbye to their housekeeper and live-in chef. Actually the staff will still be living very close by and a constant presence, so the children may not even notice they’ve gone. But for the Cambridges it’s the equivalent of going on a life swap show where they live on £51.60 a week and a diet of Super Noodles on a sink estate in Burnley.

They’ll be paying rent

Wills and Kate will have monthly rent to worry about, just like anyone else. Except if the landlord won’t fix the boiler they can pop back to the mansion the Queen gifted them in Norfolk for a spot of tennis on their private court. Or to their 20-room London pad where they once hosted Barack Obama. Just like you and… er, no, that’s just them.