DO you know a couple who are tediously perfect in every f**king way? Then they will definitely be into these things…
Batch cooking
Not content with being the type of wankers who ‘eat clean’, this couple have now got into batch cooking because, they smugly explain, it allows them to always have healthy meals ready when they need them. Bully for you, you think, ordering a delicious pizza while they microwave yet another portion of month-old cauliflower korma.
Peloton
These two aspirational pricks can’t make do with a bog standard exercise bike and instead spaff two grand on a Peloton so they can pretend they’re riding around outside. They’ll be hugely supportive of each other’s progress, which they think is cute but makes you want to vomit on its 24-inch HD touchscreen.
Volunteering
‘We know how incredibly fortunate and privileged we are,’ these twats coo humbly, ‘So we want to give something back.’ However, they’re obviously only doing it because it makes them look good as they only volunteer at nice places like the local donkey sanctuary and keep well away from the local food bank, which might expose them to poor people and make them feel bad.
Meditation
While other couples are relaxing by lying on the sofa like lumps watching The Sandman, these bellends are sitting cross-legged in their living room listening to a guided meditation tape. The irony is that both couples reach a state of silent bliss but only one of them gets to watch telly while doing it.
Jigsaws
‘Oh, we’re so boring these days,’ the couple you hate say with horribly self-satisfied smiles, ‘We just stay in and do jigsaws.’ And thank f**k they do, as it means you can go down the pub without these dicks ostentatiously holding hands while they drink a sensible amount and generally making you feel nauseous without the usual cause of nine pints of Kronenbourg.
