Six twats from school you'd rather not see in the pub this Christmas

HOME for Christmas? So is this parade of pricks from the past, and they’ll all be down the pub ready to greet you in their Santa hats: 

Simon, former 12-year-old nerd

You could do without a reminder of your dysfunctional nerd friendship with Simon. In an American movie you’d have formed The Einstein Club and you’d all be tech billionaires. In reality you pretend you didn’t waste five years playing Populous and wanking over Judge Anderson, because you’re ashamed. But Simon isn’t. He’s here to remind you.

Davo, former hard kid

Davo once kicked your head in. Nothing personal, it was just his thing. As an adult he’s now a respected elder member of your local team’s casuals with a solid criminal record. You are relieved when he informs you that he is going on a pub with a better chance of a fight.

Sally-Anne, who was fit

Sally-Ann taught you a valuable lesson about attractiveness and self-worth by laughing in your face when you asked her out, then telling her friend Caz who also found it hilarious, as did the 30 classmates Caz she told. Thanks Sal, you cow. You just missed out on a free glass of mulled wine and a small tub of hot chestnuts. Revenge is sweet.

Mr Hughes, former hero

Is that… Mr Hughes? Your ‘cool’ English teacher from sixth-form? Then around 30, he swore, told you that Shakespeare was bollocks and did literary analysis of Stone Roses songs. Now he’s old. You’d buy him a drink but looking back he’s the reason you f**ked up English A-level and had to go to Sheffield University.

Greg, who wanted to be a club promoter

Without musical talent but enthralled by it, Greg organised gigs and club nights when everyone was 17. He hasn’t become Tony Wilson. He’s still doing it, aged 48, still without a proper job. You’re glad you live 160 miles away so you can’t attend his latest no-hopers A&R showcase next week, Candyfloss Genocide with their alleged ‘Trent Reznor vibe’.

Rachel, your former girlfriend

Why did she just have to walk in? Your teenage relationship didn’t consist of much more than a few snogs by the swings, but it’s still weirdly uncomfortable talking to her. She’s probably forgotten she went out with you at all, which would be a humiliating blow to most people, but you’re not most people. You’re a massive coward.

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Woman dreaming of white Christmas that strands relatives

A WOMAN is hoping it snows over Christmas so that her extended family will be unable to visit her, it has emerged.

Mary Fisher wants nothing more for Christmas than a thick blanket of snow to close the roads, cancel the trains, and force her husband’s family to spend the festive period in their own homes.

She said: “It’s a long shot, but Christmas is a time for miracles. Picturesque, blessedly inconvenient miracles.

“Imagine how exciting it would be to wake up to a world buried in snow and realise that dozens of pricks with various dietary requirements and dodgy political opinions will be unable to get to you. I can’t think of a better Christmas present.

“Plus I’ll be able to save face by pretending to be disappointed. But in reality I’ll be punching the air because I won’t have to make a separate meal for their picky little shits who don’t eat roast dinners.

“I expect the weather will also bugger up the phone lines and mess with the wifi, so phone calls and Zoom parties will be impossible too. Shame.

“If it doesn’t snow by the time they get here though it better f**king hold off. I don’t want them staying here a second longer than necessary.”