HOME for Christmas? So is this parade of pricks from the past, and they’ll all be down the pub ready to greet you in their Santa hats:
Simon, former 12-year-old nerd
You could do without a reminder of your dysfunctional nerd friendship with Simon. In an American movie you’d have formed The Einstein Club and you’d all be tech billionaires. In reality you pretend you didn’t waste five years playing Populous and wanking over Judge Anderson, because you’re ashamed. But Simon isn’t. He’s here to remind you.
Davo, former hard kid
Davo once kicked your head in. Nothing personal, it was just his thing. As an adult he’s now a respected elder member of your local team’s casuals with a solid criminal record. You are relieved when he informs you that he is going on a pub with a better chance of a fight.
Sally-Anne, who was fit
Sally-Ann taught you a valuable lesson about attractiveness and self-worth by laughing in your face when you asked her out, then telling her friend Caz who also found it hilarious, as did the 30 classmates Caz she told. Thanks Sal, you cow. You just missed out on a free glass of mulled wine and a small tub of hot chestnuts. Revenge is sweet.
Mr Hughes, former hero
Is that… Mr Hughes? Your ‘cool’ English teacher from sixth-form? Then around 30, he swore, told you that Shakespeare was bollocks and did literary analysis of Stone Roses songs. Now he’s old. You’d buy him a drink but looking back he’s the reason you f**ked up English A-level and had to go to Sheffield University.
Greg, who wanted to be a club promoter
Without musical talent but enthralled by it, Greg organised gigs and club nights when everyone was 17. He hasn’t become Tony Wilson. He’s still doing it, aged 48, still without a proper job. You’re glad you live 160 miles away so you can’t attend his latest no-hopers A&R showcase next week, Candyfloss Genocide with their alleged ‘Trent Reznor vibe’.
Rachel, your former girlfriend
Why did she just have to walk in? Your teenage relationship didn’t consist of much more than a few snogs by the swings, but it’s still weirdly uncomfortable talking to her. She’s probably forgotten she went out with you at all, which would be a humiliating blow to most people, but you’re not most people. You’re a massive coward.