FORGET martinis and mojitos, these are the vile concoctions generations of British teenagers have used to get tanked:
Charlotte Church has a lot to answer for, in terms of both her music and popularising this monstrosity. It combines two substances that should not go within a country mile of each other to create something that allegedly tastes likes Vimto, and gets you utterly shitfaced.
To make: Pour two measures of cheap port into a glass and fill to the brim with WKD Blue. Drink several in quick succession, then vomit on your shoes.
Snakebite and black
This classic mixes two types of nasty alcohol into a disgusting concoction, then attempts to rescue itself with a dash of cordial, which just makes everything worse. Still, it’s cheap and makes you very drunk.
To make: Mix half a pint of warm lager with half a pint of piss-poor cider and add a squirt of Ribena. It tastes like alcoholic vinegar and looks like the urine of Satan.
Cheap vodka and neat orange squash
None of your Smirnoff here, please. We’re talking about Asda own-brand vodka that tastes like it’s made of nail varnish remover and probably is. Top with a dash of orange squash to take the edge off.
To make: Fill a tall glass two-thirds full with vodka. Add a splash of neat orange squash. Sip slowly and try to keep it down, even though you know you’ll be seeing it all on again your mate’s parents’ patio in about two hours time.
Parents’ drink cabinet mix
A carefully curated cocktail made with small amounts from each bottle in the cabinet so they won’t notice, plus a massive dash of something from right at the back that they never drink and won’t miss.
To make: A modest measure each of whisky, gin, vodka, rum and Malibu, topped up with generous amounts of Cointreau, Advocat and something lethal your dad brought back from a trip to Latvia in 1996.
If you didn’t have enough pocket money to buy your own booze for a party, you could simply drink the dregs of everyone else’s that was left lying around. Disgusting, but it worked.
To make: Drink anything left in any glass, to create a cocktail in your stomach made up of 20 per cent lager, cider, cheap wine and Smirnoff Ice, and 80 per cent backwash.