Snakebite, and other favourite cocktails of UK teenagers

FORGET martinis and mojitos, these are the vile concoctions generations of British teenagers have used to get tanked:

Cheeky Vimto

Charlotte Church has a lot to answer for, in terms of both her music and popularising this monstrosity. It combines two substances that should not go within a country mile of each other to create something that allegedly tastes likes Vimto, and gets you utterly shitfaced.

To make: Pour two measures of cheap port into a glass and fill to the brim with WKD Blue. Drink several in quick succession, then vomit on your shoes.

Snakebite and black

This classic mixes two types of nasty alcohol into a disgusting concoction, then attempts to rescue itself with a dash of cordial, which just makes everything worse. Still, it’s cheap and makes you very drunk.

To make: Mix half a pint of warm lager with half a pint of piss-poor cider and add a squirt of Ribena. It tastes like alcoholic vinegar and looks like the urine of Satan.

Cheap vodka and neat orange squash

None of your Smirnoff here, please. We’re talking about Asda own-brand vodka that tastes like it’s made of nail varnish remover and probably is. Top with a dash of orange squash to take the edge off.

To make: Fill a tall glass two-thirds full with vodka. Add a splash of neat orange squash. Sip slowly and try to keep it down, even though you know you’ll be seeing it all on again your mate’s parents’ patio in about two hours time.

Parents’ drink cabinet mix

A carefully curated cocktail made with small amounts from each bottle in the cabinet so they won’t notice, plus a massive dash of something from right at the back that they never drink and won’t miss.

To make: A modest measure each of whisky, gin, vodka, rum and Malibu, topped up with generous amounts of Cointreau, Advocat and something lethal your dad brought back from a trip to Latvia in 1996.

Party minesweep

If you didn’t have enough pocket money to buy your own booze for a party, you could simply drink the dregs of everyone else’s that was left lying around. Disgusting, but it worked.

To make: Drink anything left in any glass, to create a cocktail in your stomach made up of 20 per cent lager, cider, cheap wine and Smirnoff Ice, and 80 per cent backwash.

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Watching porn together, and other ways to make sex awkward this Valentine's weekend

WANT to make things profoundly awkward between you and your partner this Valentine’s weekend? Try these tips:

Watch porn together

You know what will really help you feel confident about your capabilities in the bedroom? Watching people professionally employed to have extravagant sex. It will make your evening of floundering about in the dark for 10 minutes in the missionary position even more humiliating.

Roleplay

An easy way to introduce embarrassment to your sexual routine. Who wouldn’t want to see their husband, who has no talent for acting, pretend to be a stern police officer writing out a parking ticket? He will probably get too far into character and start giving you a lesson on the best reverse parallel parking technique. Sexy.

Involve food

Engaging in sexual play that leaves your duvet covered in impossible-to-remove stains isn’t the best way to enjoy intimacy. Watching your lover drip chocolate, honey or beef stew all over your Egyptian cotton sheets will just result in a massive argument and a very tense trip to John Lewis for replacements.

Try a blindfold

Blindfolds can be a fantastic way for couples to gently explore the world of BDSM. However, it will really kill the mood this Valentine’s weekend if you have to take a trip to casualty after your partner breaks their toe by stubbing it on a bedside table while staggering around trying to find you.

Attempt shower sex

Why not take your romancing into a wet, slippery environment where there is a real danger of catastrophically falling over and giving yourself concussion? On top of that you’ll have the fun of knowing the hot water might run out at any second. A risky experience, in all the wrong ways.

Use handcuffs

Another one where the idea is better than the reality. While it might be briefly fun to experiment with these, enjoyment will soon turn to panic when you realise you’ve lost the key and you’re faced with having to call a local locksmith to free your nude partner who’s shackled to the bedposts.