Taking antibiotics: the very limited number of reasons you're not drinking that British people will accept

IF you don’t drink at a social event, British people will regard you with fear and suspicion. Here’s the very narrow range of reasons they will accept your sobriety:

You’re on antibiotics

Got an infection? Nasty toothache? Suspected Lyme disease? Then you will be begrudgingly allowed to not partake in a heavy boozing session. Any ailment that doesn’t require antibiotics will see a large glass of brandy forced on you, because ‘it’s medicinal’.

You’re pregnant

Pregnant? Woah. Nine whole months without drinking? And then rarely being able to go the pub? How sad. Everyone without kids will need a stiff drink to get over this tragic scenario, and the people who do have kids will already be completely shitfaced so won’t register your big news.

You’re a recovering alcoholic

Yep, this is a good reason, and nobody who isn’t a massive bellend would even dream of attempting to get you to ‘just have one’. What they will do is go on a long, pissed ramble about being worried about their own drinking, before lurching off to the bar for another pint and a shot of sambuca.

You’re driving

People will respect this safety conscious choice but not before they’ve spent 40 minutes trying to convince you that you don’t have to drive home. You can stay over, they insist. However, you know you’ll be sleeping on the uncomfortable sofa that stinks of dogs and farts, and will have to drive back in the morning shaking and bilious, so you politely refuse their hospitable offer.

You’re catastrophically hungover

If you’re really, really hungover, the British will sympathise. For a bit, and then they will start banging on about you having a hair of the dog. You refuse for ages, knowing it will only dehydrate your already arid body further, but eventually give in, just to get them to shut the f**k up.

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Is King Charles's Coronation guest list woke?

THE UK has woken gripped by a gnawing dread this morning: is King Charles’s Coronation guest list proof he will be the Monarch of Woke?

With names like Sinn Fein’s Michelle O’Neill, Ursula von der Leyen and the Duke of Sussex given coveted seats, fears are growing that Charles will allow wokeness to rule the land.

Joe Turner of Reading said: “I haven’t read the whole guest list, but it wouldn’t surprise me if he’d invited Noam Chomsky, Emily Thornberry, and Black Lives Matter leader Marcus Rashford.

“What will it do to us, as a nation, to see our King crowned in front of Greta Thunberg, Suzy Eddie Izzard, that model with the boobs who’s raising her kid gender-neutral and Jameela Jamil? Castrate us in front of the world.

“I thought it was a positive step when he banned Meghan. I thought the responsibility of kingship had sorted him out and he’d stopped with all that green shit about it being better if buildings look nice.

“But now he needs to make a statement. If invites haven’t gone out to Laurence Fox, Jim Davidson, Lucy Pinder, Daily Mail editor-in-chief Paul Dacre, John Terry and Nick Griffin by 5pm today, we know what kind of king he’s going be.

“Come on, Charlie. We’ve already got the flags out. Let’s make it a proper right-wing torchlit rally.”