Tell Dry January to go f**k itself by winning a case of Daily Mash beer

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Popping for bits now costs 40 quid

POPPING into Tesco for a few bits now costs at least 40 quid and there is nothing you can do about it.

Experts say that any purchase beyond a pint of milk and a loaf of bread will now leave you as stupidly out of pocket as if you had decided to chuck your purse down a drain for a laugh.

Emma Bradford, from Devizes, said: “I needed an onion and a packet of biscuits so I popped into the supermarket, and when I came out I was decidedly poorer than I had been before.

“Yeah, I also got yoghurt, eggs, a cucumber and a bag of crisps, but it wasn’t like I’d rashly thrown in a magnum of champagne or nine fillet steaks.

“And yet the receipt says I’ve blown £43.77 on f**k all. I’m sure it used to cost about a fiver. Did they put the decimal point in the wrong place or something?”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Rampant inflation means that you now have to put as much consideration into buying a packet of ham as you used to into purchasing a new phone.

“Global market forces mean you either have to like it or start scavenging for food in bins. Sorry.”