How to make your weekends worse than the week

WEEKENDS are supposed to be a pleasant respite from your job, but these activities will make you crave the sweet release of work.

Wake up at 6am

Your brain is incapable of waking up early during the week, but come the weekend it’ll be raring to go before the sun’s risen. Not only will this f**k up your sleep pattern, it’ll also make you drowsy by early Saturday afternoon, AKA the best bit of the whole weekend. You’ll be refreshed for the Sunday evening anxiety attacks though, so it’s not all bad.

Be hungover

Which is worse, sitting at your desk clicking between tabs for eight hours, or a morning spent hunched over your toilet spewing your guts up? Yes, the latter involves an evening of fun the day before, but your job is easier on your body and isn’t a stupid waste of your precious free time. Combining the two and being hungover at work is clearly the logical way to go.

Attempt DIY

Home improvement projects never go to plan. Instead of creating a bespoke feature wall or putting up a shelf, you’re more likely to run a circular saw through your fingers and require a trip to A&E. And given the current state of the ambulances, you’ll need to have pre-booked a lift to hospital a week in advance. Play it safe by putting off your DIY until the government has changed.

Visit relatives

You see your colleagues more often than your family, and after eating a Sunday roast with your relatives you’ll be bloody grateful for this small mercy. You’re not being paid to listen to your nan’s ill-informed bigoted diatribes, whereas at least you get sick days as compensation for nodding along to your boss’s bullshit business plans.

Have a chill one

In theory a quiet weekend should be incredible. But by mid-morning on Saturday you’ll be bored senseless and checking your work inbox on your phone. Sadly a packed weekend isn’t any better. You’ll be yearning for some peace and quiet while worrying about all the emails awaiting you on Monday. Get used to it, this will happen every week until you can’t afford to retire.

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Prince Harry memoir reminds British people why they don't share things

THE revelations from Prince Harry’s autobiography have encouraged the UK public to reflect on their own traumas and bury them down deep forever.

Whether reading Spare for themselves or picking up the worst bits online, people say they have a new appreciation for the famous British quality of completely repressing your feelings.

Spare reader Josh Hudson said: “I had a difficult relationship with my family growing up and I thought it might be time to start sharing my vulnerabilities with my mates. But now? No f**king chance.

“Prince Harry’s memoir has really underlined the fact that revealing your intimate thoughts and emotions is a terrible idea that should be avoided at all costs. No one wants to know the gory details of your humiliating first shag. Save it for the therapist you’re lucky enough to be able to afford one.

“And my girlfriend is completely disturbed by the bit about him thinking of his dead mum while applying moisturiser to his frostbitten penis. She says it totally ruined Elizabeth Arden products for her.

“If he really wanted to make things better with his dad and brother he should have done what I do: ignore the problem and sit in silence in front of the footie.”