The Disney characters who'd be good fun to get hammered with

EVER watched a Disney film, wishing you were down the pub, and wondered which would be the best to go on a 12-hour session with? These are the top seven: 

Ursula the Sea Witch from The Little Mermaid

Her fuller figure means she can take her drink, and she’d have all the bitchy gossip about King Triton. And because she usually snacks on cowering sea creatures would always come back from the bar with a couple of packs of Scampi Fries.

The Wicked Queen from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

OK, she’s menopausal and paranoid, but a couple of gins in she’d have exhaust her whinging about her bitch stepdaughter and start pressuring everyone to go on to a club where she could throw shapes on a podium surrounded by mirrors.

The Beast from Beauty and the Beast

Already indistinguishable from a hirsute East London hipster, the Beast will fit in nicely in your local even if he does expect household objects to talk back to him. After a few Guinnesses who doesn’t?

Maleficent from Maleficent

Not actually that fun and a bit intense, but invited because she’s in the WhatsApp and you don’t want her appearing in an angry puff of green smoke to place a curse on your first-born. Always available to comfort any woman crying in the toilets about all men being bastards.

Marlon from Finding Nemo

His kid went away on a school trip and he immediately set off on a trans-Pacific bender with a new mate who has major memory problems and became a total f**king legend. Do not miss out on that.

Timon and Pumbaa from The Lion King

They’re already in the pub, every night. Timon wins the quiz every week and Pumbaa’s on the real ale with the flatulence to prove it. Turns out Hakuna Matata is the perfect way to dismiss concerns about alcoholism.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Five things you can get out of by blaming the cost-of-living crisis

THE cost-of-living crisis isn’t all bad news, except for the Tories. It’s a cast-iron excuse to get out of these obligations: 

Expensive date nights

Taking your other half out for a meal and a trip to the cinema isn’t cheap, and when it’s twice a year it adds up. But in this crisis there’s no way you can justify a Nando’s and a Meerkat Movies. Date night is now staying home and eating toast, and if your partner starts whingeing, cock an eyebrow towards the energy meter.

Getting a round in

Buying a round used to be an efficient way of ordering alcoholic drinks that didn’t break the bank. But thanks to soaring inflation rates it nudges you perilously close to falling below the poverty line, so your mates will have to get them in for the foreseeable future. You wish there was another way but that’s just how it is. Your hands are tied.

Seeing relatives

Your parents would love to see you, but they live 45 minutes away. And with diesel at £1.81 a litre that’s going to cost you £11 each way even if there isn’t any traffic, which isn’t sustainable just to hear two old people moaning about the ITV daytime schedule. It’s purely based on economics, mum.


The rip-off of weddings aren’t confined to the happy couple and the big day. Guests are forced to spend hundreds on the stag and hen do, buy a present, buy clothes, get to wherever quaint venue the bullshit’s happening and stay the f**king night. Return the wedding invite with your most recent electricity bill stapled to it. They’ll get the message.

Buying healthy food

Healthy food costs a fortune and tastes like shit. McDonald’s fries or a Greggs sausage roll are delicious and give you enough change from a fiver for Haribo Starmix. The nutritional value is zero, but they stave off hunger pangs way better than an M&S sushi roll.