PITCH invaders at football games have discovered that the pitch is no more than a large grassed oblong with white lines painted on it.
Supporters who have finally overcome their inhibitions and run onto the field of play have reported that it is basically kind of like the bowling green at your local park, but bigger.
Man City fan Oli O’Connor said: “I was so excited when my team won the league, in accordance with all predictions since August last year, I thought I’d treat myself to finding out what the pitch is really like.
“My heart was in my mouth as I leapt the barrier onto the hallowed turf, only to find it’s basically turf. Turf, like you’d buy from a garden centre.
“I wandered around a bit, wondering if I’d missed the special spots that make this an incredible playground for millionaire superstars, but if anything it felt more ordinary the longer I was on there.
“It’s almost as if there’s not anything intrinsically magical about football and it’s all just me projecting my frustrated hopes and dreams onto a sporting entity that’s f**k all to do with them.
He added: “We broke the crossbar anyway, making the goal smaller so next season it’ll be harder for other teams to score against us. Until we change ends at half-time.”