The five best low-alcohol wines that aren't as good as drinking a bottle of Calpol

EVERYONE knows drinking wine under 11 per cent is a waste of time. Here are five great wines to try, but if there’s a bottle of Calpol knocking around you should probably go for that instead.

First Cape Sparkler made with Sauvignon blanc

At only 5.5 per cent you’d have to drink at least three bottles to get yourself on the dance floor. Save yourself the hassle and trips to the toilet and knock back a bottle of Calpol in one go.

Torres Natureo Rosé 2013

With 0.5 per cent alcohol you could inject it and still not get any kind of serious buzz. Probably better to cook up a shot of Calpol and watch the world go drifting by that way instead.

Dr Loosen Slate Hill Riesling

Stronger, but for £9 you’d hope to get more than a little tipsy, which at only 8.5 per cent is all it will do. So why not make it into a glamorous cocktail with a few slugs of that delicious kids’ cough medicine Calpol?

GD Vajra Moscato d’Asti 2017

At nearly £20 a bottle from Harvey Nick’s for only 5.5 per cent you’ll probably only see this at some sort of dinner party. Let the grown-ups waste their time on the pointless posh stuff while you rifle through the medicine cabinet for a bottle of the ‘pink fairy’.

Calpol Fortified Wine

At 18 per cent with the warm fuzzy effects and delicious taste of Calpol this really is the finest thing you can drink. Sadly it does not exist, but if you drink enough Calpol and enough low alcohol wine it might just feel like it does.

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Supermarkets just f**king dying to put the Easter Eggs out

BRITAIN’S supermarket chains have confirmed they are just fucking itching to start putting Easter eggs out.

With Christmas over, supermarkets are keen to have another cash grab from Easter eggs and associated tat, despite it being a quarter of a year away.

Supermarket chief executive Nathan Muir said: “People are generally pretty stupid and think if they’re out on show then they should be buying them.

“Our dream is to one day have several aisles in the supermarket dedicated to seasonal crap at completely the wrong time of year.

“So you could buy fireworks for Easter and chocolate eggs for Bonfire Night. We can probably convince the dense bastards they need inflatable Santas all year round.”

Shopper Emma Bradford said: “I know it’s not Easter for fucking forever but if they put them on the shelves I’ll have a terror of not planning ahead and buy them now.

“And then eat them in the next couple of weeks when I’ve got a hangover or just because it’s chocolate, then buy more fairly pointless chocolate eggs to make up for it.

“I haven’t even got kids.”