The highlights of the 2019 stag and hen season

THE carnival and revelry of another stag and hen do season is almost upon us, but what will be the must-sees in 2019? Find out: 

TWELVE GIRLS WRECK £26,000 DIGGER
Lucky Cardiff city centre, next weekend, will see 12 hammered women in their early 30s climb onto a digger for selfies, accidentally shove it back a bit into a hole, take more selfies, realise it’s going to fall in and swiftly climb in a minibus to Cardiff Bay.

BRITS IN AMSTERDAM
The stag invasion of Amsterdam will be mighty in numbers but easily ignored because they all roam in befuddled packs along the same two streets between Dam Square and the Red Light District. One will get a tattoo, one will get herpes, one will develop a cannabis habit that makes him a dealer in six months.

COLIN WAS GONE ALL NIGHT
Colin proves himself, on a stag night in Madrid, to be such a legend that he was gone by 10pm and nobody saw him until lunchtime the next day, probably been with some bird. In fact, Colin slipped back to the hotel and had a good night’s sleep before joining the party refreshed for a light meal.

THE SYNCHRONISED WEEP
At exactly 12.37am, when all hen parties are in nightclubs none of them wanted to go in, they will commence to weep. The tears, triggered by a tearful toast, Kay’s remark to Gemma, or simply entering a toilet, will sweep up and down the UK.

SOILED TIGER
Seen everywhere from Edinburgh to Ibiza, the lone man staggering along in a badly self-soiled tiger costume, sometimes attempting to light a damp cigarette, means that it is the end of the night at last.

FIRST DRINK NEXT DAY
The lowest moment of any stag or hen weekend is the first drink at lunchtime the next day. Whoever suggests it will never know happiness.

Homeworker not worried about fourth stain on jumper

A WOMAN who works from home has decided a jumper with four stains on it is definitely still okay to wear.

Eleanor Shaw woke at midday on Monday to discover that a baked bean incident had been added to the other marks on her top, which included last Tuesday’s curry, the buttery outline of some upturned toast, and something that ‘smells a bit milky’.

Shaw said: “It’s an occupational hazard of homeworking, that you eat rather a lot. So I’m not going to be stigmatised for the amount of food that naturally gathers on my clothes.

“Overall, this jumper still registers only eight out of ten for grubbiness, so I reckon it’s got another week left in it.

“Besides, I sometimes see a face in one of the stains, so it’s also good for a bit of chat.”