Tim Martin, and five other reasons not to go back to Wetherspoons

TEMPTED to ignore your moral compass and visit Wetherspoons when it reopens? Come to your senses with these reminders.

You still have some dignity

Admittedly not much after you spent lockdown shuffling round your flat in the same pair of pants for two weeks. Still, you can avoid hitting absolute rock bottom by disassociating yourself from a pub chain that told laid off workers to get a job at Tescos.

It’s cheap but so is Lidl

A microwaved pie with cold chips and a lukewarm Peroni for less than a tenner sounds like a bargain. However, you can get even more low quality food and piss-like lager for less at Lidl, plus you won’t have to listen to regulars who think Farage has some pretty good ideas actually.

You’ll be bankrolling Tim Martin

He might look like a lobotomised Worzel Gummidge but Tim Martin’s rolling in it. Do you really want to support a man who can’t even use his millions to buy clothes that aren’t polo shirts? No. Save your money for comparatively worthy causes like illegal arms dealers.

Slug & Lettuce exists

If you enjoy bland and underwhelming, try your local Slug & Lettuce instead. It’s comparable to Wetherspoons in that it has weird carpet and you have to walk half a mile up stairs and through corridors to find a toilet, but it doesn’t come with any association to Brexit.

Your cupboard’s full of stockpiled booze

Have you already forgotten that you can get half cut and have a disappointing time with your mates at home? Grab one of the many cheap cans you bought when this all kicked off, fire up Zoom, and pretend to enjoy talking about football.

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'Thin jeans' armistice to be held when lockdown lifts

BRITONS are being urged to hand over  jeans they can no longer fit into after spending lockdown eating constantly and barely moving.

The jeans that people keep in the hope they will some day fit into them without having to remove an organ are to be handed over and recycled into larger jeans for future lockdowns.

Government advisor Helen Archer said: “Our hope is to bring communities together in a show of unity over how unlikely it is we will squeeze our flabby bodies into our smallest pair of jeans ever again.

“By transforming them into a national reserve of massive jeans, we can maintain supplies of roomy denim that will be needed if a second wave keeps people indoors during the winter pie-eating season.

“If you own a pair of jeans that cut the blood supply off to your genitals before the lockdown even began, there’s no shame in admitting defeat.”

She added: “Those people who fit into all their clothes all the time with very little fluctuation in tightness are being advised to stay the f**k out of this.”