Twat about to scan alcohol through a self-checkout

A TWAT in a busy supermarket is about to f**k up everyone’s day by scanning wine through a self-service checkout, it has emerged.

Martin Bishop put a queue of shoppers on edge by casually placing a bottle of Australian chardonnay onto the self-checkout as if it would not prove a major roadblock to all their plans.

Donna Sheridan said: “As soon as he plonked the bottle down we all visibly sagged and resigned ourselves to the fact that we’re in this for the long haul.

“He’ll get to the end, the light will start flashing red and there won’t be a supervisor to be seen. Even then he seems to be ignorant of social distancing so we’ll all have to watch that little dance.

“Why would he put us through this? The only way he could make it worse is if he suddenly remembers he forgot broccoli and pops off to get it.”

Bishop said: “I’ve bought booze through these things plenty of times and it’s always a tedious, drawn-out faff. But maybe it’ll be different this time.

“I’ve also just realised that I don’t have my wallet with me. But I’m sure I can work out how to pay on my iPhone. It’s always somebody’s first time!”

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Five places to wear your mask to rile up the gammons

EVERYONE’S wearing masks now, but do you want to raise the blood pressure of gammons even more? These five locations should outrage the already red-faced: 

Pub beer garden

A double whammy of overstepping government guidelines: not only are you in the pub, which Rishi Sunak has declared a virus-free zone, but you’re outside. Any anti-snowflakes seeing you will be bloody outraged, not that their side gets outraged, it’s the liberals always being outraged, etc.

Video call

You might not physically be there with Gary from client services, but you won’t be taking any chances. Slip the mask over your face as soon as he joins the call and by 5pm you’ll be the talk of the most disgruntled people in your workplace.

A World War Two reenactment day

The only thing gammons love more than sneering at lefties is passing the day with some manly tanks. Make sure you laboriously sanitise your hands after contact with anything from the past and are overheard saying “Churchill would have worn a mask”.

Britain First rally

Turning up in a town-centre to shout incoherently about ‘protecting history’ is an experience that can be enhanced by doing all of those things in a medical-grade face mask. Everyone’s covering their faces but you’re… doing it wrong! Guaranteed to cause a cerebral aneurysm.

Their house

If you absolutely must visit your bigoted uncle, be sure to double-mask, wear gloves and drape yourself in some plastic sheeting. Pick up your cup of tea with metal tongs and thoroughly disinfect the biscuits. Stress that there is no obligation for him to wear a mask if he doesn’t want to and that above all, you respect his bravery.