White van man takes neutral stance on woman's arse

A WHITE van driver has no strong feelings towards the arse of a nearby woman, thinking it neither good, bad or worthy of comment. 

Landscape gardener Bill McKay was stopped at a junction when he noticed a female pedestrian in a pair of tight-fitting jeans, but uncharacteristically felt himself unable to take a firm stance on her arse one way or another.

He said: “My instinct was to shout ‘nice arse’, but then I took a second to reconsider if I really meant it. Frankly, it was only okay.

“So then I mulled over a couple of insults, you know, comments that implied she’d had many sexual partners but I wouldn’t like to be one of them. I was very much torn on how best to articulate these complex feelings.

“But as I idled at the lights, I had an epiphany. I found my zen and realised that I was indifferent to the arse, and that my opinion did not need to be expressed. So I drove off.

“If an arse stands on a street corner and no builders shout, is it still an arse? These are the questions I ponder now I’m becoming more enlightened.”

Arse-owner Hannah Tomlinson, aged 26, said: “I’m glad my arse has been of help on his spiritual journey. And, for the record, it’s actually pretty great.”

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Six album covers you used to look at that had boobs on

WHEN you were a teenager and explicit content of any kind was hard to come by, there were always these six albums to help you through: 

Whipped Cream and Other Delights by Herb Alpert’s Tijuana Brass

A nude woman, covered in whipped cream which coyly obscures her ample bosom, licking her finger? This album was certainly bought by your parents to play at swingers’ parties which pray to God they never actually had. Hopefully it never got played at all.

A Nice Pair by Pink Floyd

Cool, non-sexist hippies Pink Floyd, who believed very firmly in the emancipation of women and the end of their historic oppression, called a two-album compilation A Nice Pair and put a big pair of tits on the cover. The struggle against the patriarchy still had some way to go.

Electric Ladyland by the Jimi Hendrix Experience

The mother lode of boobs-on-vinyl had no less than 19 women, all naked, for a veritable smorgasbord of late-1960s nudity. Truly the finest moment of the gatefold sleeve. If you want something to listen to at the same time, the album inside has been consistently rated above-average.

Country Life by Roxy Music

Bryan Ferry made it from working-class Geordie to aristocrat in a decade, and all because he put sexy ladies on his album covers. This is generally agreed by 13-15-year-olds going through their dad’s record collection to be the highlight.

Cut by The Slits

If you found this around the house then somebody was a serious connoisseur of the post-punk scene, and if they’ve still got it now it’s worth a fair amount. Not that you cared as a callow youth smuggling it up to your bedroom for a spiky New Wave wank.

Surfer Rosa by Pixies

Hard to believe now, but teens were still hard up for erotic content right up to the end of the 80s. A topless woman in arty black-and-white, even if it was on an overdesigned cover for an alternative rock band on a renowned indie label, would have done the job.