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We ask you: Should children should be given their own pubs?

CHILDREN are disturbing heavy-drinking adults at their serious work of getting shitfaced, so should they be given pubs of their own? 

Nikki Hollis, stenographer: “Aw, imagine how cute that would be. Their innocent little intoxicated faces.”

Carolyn Ryan, shipping consultant: “We know drinking from 13 was fine, as evidenced by the 1970s. So let’s begin there and move slowly backwards.”

Steve Malley, divorce promotions officer: “I wouldn’t sell them liquor. Unless they’d recently been dumped by their year seven girlfriend in which case I’d serve them neat whisky while they unburdened themselves to me late into the night.”

Norman Steele, toy reseller: “I’m 59, was at a city centre bar yesterday, and I promise you kids already f**king have their own pubs.”

Helen Archer, lecturer: “We’ll make sure no BBC presenters are drinking in them, right?”

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Downsizing parent bringing you anything charity shops won't take

A MOTHER moving to a smaller house is offloading tons of useless shite on her adult children rather than take it to the tip. 

Helen Archer, aged 62, no longer wants a broken Dyson, a 1970s fondue set or a series of children’s books by Rolf Harris but believes it would be a terrible shame to throw them away.

She explained: “Since my husband and I decided to trade a home with dangerously spare bedrooms to a bungalow the kids could never move back to, we’ve had to make some hard choices.

“We can’t keep everything. So there are four piles: keep, eBay stroke Vinted, Cancer Research and crap to palm off on the kids. They’ll treasure this VHS of Deep Heat ‘89, this QVC Foot Spa, and this fold-down Z-bed. It’s the original one from the 1970s.”

Son Luke said: “She’s sneaky about it. She’ll say ‘Do you want your Panini football albums?’ knowing they’re of genuine sentimental value, then drop them off with nine metres of garden hose, a ridge tent and a manky old cat carrier. I don’t even have a cat.

“I’m down the tip weekly then come home to Looney Tunes Monopoly, a fan heater, a folder of school certificates, a leather pouffe and a box of Penthouse magazines I thought she’d thrown away when they were confiscated in 1997.

“The worst thing is their new bungalow is still five times bigger than my flat. Stoked about the porn though.”

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