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We ask you: Should children should be given their own pubs?

CHILDREN are disturbing heavy-drinking adults at their serious work of getting shitfaced, so should they be given pubs of their own? 

Nikki Hollis, stenographer: “Aw, imagine how cute that would be. Their innocent little intoxicated faces.”

Carolyn Ryan, shipping consultant: “We know drinking from 13 was fine, as evidenced by the 1970s. So let’s begin there and move slowly backwards.”

Steve Malley, divorce promotions officer: “I wouldn’t sell them liquor. Unless they’d recently been dumped by their year seven girlfriend in which case I’d serve them neat whisky while they unburdened themselves to me late into the night.”

Norman Steele, toy reseller: “I’m 59, was at a city centre bar yesterday, and I promise you kids already f**king have their own pubs.”

Helen Archer, lecturer: “We’ll make sure no BBC presenters are drinking in them, right?”

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Your landlord, and other calls that are a real dilemma to pick up mid-wank

YOU don’t want to answer the phone during your sexual ‘me time’, but it could be important. Here’s what you need to consider, depending on who it is.

Your manager

Are you getting fired? Did they find out about what you said about them in that email chain? But is the thought of them sternly telling you off not slowing you down at all and you’ve just discovered a kink you didn’t know you had? These are all questions that are worth stopping to think about, but you’re not going to.

Your mum

All the Freudian issues this call raises are bad enough, but the main problem is that you know your mum will be on your case if you ignore her. Is answering mid-wank better or worse than not answering at all? Is there a special circle of Hell you’ll be damned to if you do both? Luckily the deeply unerotic thought of you mum droning on about your father’s bladder problems has called an end to proceedings as far as your penis is concerned.

Your landlord

When was the last time your landlord called with good news? When was the last time they called at all? They might be calling you to tell you the neighbours can see what you’re doing and you need to close the curtains, or you might be about to become homeless. Best not to answer – you just won’t be able to enjoy your depraved internet filth after that.

Your partner

Wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend – whichever they are, they’re still not the porn actor you’re trying to mentally picture yourself doing the nasty with right now. Whether you should answer depends on how healthy your relationship is. They might appreciate that you’re a sexual being and not be fazed by some harmless, perfectly natural masturbation. Or they might instantly dump you for being a horrible sleazy bastard, and from now on you’ll be spending a lot more time on Pornhub than you want to. It’s your call.

An unrecognised number but it has your area code

Okay, a number you don’t know, that’s obviously spam, you can ignore that and get on with your grubby onanism. But a call from a landline? A landline in your town or city? That adds a layer of mystery to the situation. It’s a test of character – are you intellectually curious enough to answer, or are you a sinful beast devoid of any thoughts except self-gratification? Yep, that one’s not getting answered.

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