Well, that was pointless, says man after drinking in moderation

A MAN who followed health guidelines on daily alcohol consumption has declared himself deeply disappointed with the experience.

Tom Logan attempted to abide by the rules in the hope that he could savour the experience of imbibing, rather than getting rat-arsed as usual with the final part of the evening a total mental blank.

However, having stuck to the number of units recommended, he found that he had reached the limit by 6.05pm.

Logan said: “I’m willing to give anything a try, including drinking sensibly. It looks okay in public health adverts, even enjoyable. I’m such a f**king mug.

“I can categorically say that having reached my generous quota of two pointless units, that the philosophical argument for drinking stupidly has never felt stronger.

“I mean, what’s the point? Drinking that little is like going for a 50-metre jog, or a 30-second swim, or eating half a teaspoonful of cake. You wouldn’t watch The Godfather for five minutes or end a sexual encounter after taking your trousers off. 

“Let’s get real. Basically, it’s binary. The government slogan should be amended to read ‘Either drink shitloads or drink f**k all’.

“I couldn’t sit in the pub without a drink, so once I hit the limit I hammered the Diet Cokes and lime and sodas. They go down much quicker than lager so I had about 20. Drinking in moderation, my arse. I’ll be up all night pissing.

“I seriously recommend that they revise these guidelines and consult actual human beings living lives barely tolerable without booze rather than weirdo teetotallers in white lab coats.”

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How to make your love life dickhead-proof

DATING is tricky when everyone you meet turns out to be a wanker. Here are five ways to dickhead-proof your love life.

Only date friends of friends

Filter new lovers by only dating friends of friends, and badgering them for awkward details about their sexual pasts. It’s only like a potential employer asking for references, except you’ll be focusing more on STDs than GSCEs. Don’t be afraid to ask how much they earn – you may as well weed out the losers from the start.

Use disclaimers

Your online dating profile is there for a reason. Use it to set out your dickhead-proof dating terms. List what you aren’t looking for in a man: no calling you crazy for stalking all his exes on Facebook, no pressuring you for a blowjob when it’s not even his birthday, no having close female friends. It’s the only way you’ll meet a normal person like yourself.

Re-educate a dickhead

Deliberately date a blatant dickhead (look for a guy who wears a fedora or rides an electric scooter) and try to convert him. Teach him never to comment on how hot your friends are and not to make Chewbacca jokes when you wear your big furry winter coat or fail to trim your muff. Be warned this is a high-risk tactic because dickheadedness is hardwired into many people’s DNA, and that’s science.

Lower your standards

Maybe you can relax your definition of ‘dickhead’ slightly. In the pursuit of true love, perhaps you should ignore the odd eye-roll when you say how much you love 90s rom-coms, brace yourself for the odd bit of piss-taking when you ineptly try to parallel park, and accept that he may never become best friends with your parents. 

Don’t have a love life 

The only guaranteed  way to ensure a dickhead-free future is to stop dating altogether. Settle down alone with a porn subscription (for sexual needs) and a pet cat (emotional and tactile needs). Take care when choosing the cat because they’re prone to being dickheads. If it’s going to piss off at random, expect you to let it in late at night and not give you a cuddle when you want one you may as well go back on Tinder.