A Wetherspoons has been levelled by a seismic volley of orgasms after a pint was served in a glass with a little crown on it.
Staff at the Thurrock branch suspected the new glassware would provoke a positive reaction from their patrons, but were unprepared for the ground-shaking climaxes that reduced the establishment to a pile of rubble.
Bartender and survivor Tom Booker said: “As I reached for the crown-stamped pint glass I heard a chorus of approving groans from the customers, and a dog by the fruit machine started going nuts. They have a sixth sense for this sort of thing.
“While I was filling the EU-defying vessel with flat, piss-flavoured real ale, everyone was on the floor trembling with uncontrollable ecstasy. Some of the men had even torn their clothes off in a lustful frenzy.
“Then when I placed it on the counter all hell broke loose. The blokes let rip like a Noel’s House Party gunge tank, and the women wailed at a pitch so high the glass exploded. Even now my ears are still ringing.
“The roof collapsed within seconds, and while I waited to be rescued I had to live off the smashed remains of a poorly microwaved beef madras. It was harrowing.”
Wetherspoons owner Tim Martin said: “Women have orgasms?”