'What's reasonably priced?' asks man in London pub

A MAN has asked a barman in a London pub what they have that’s fairly priced, while presumably expecting the dead to rise and frogs to rain from the sky. 

Nathan Muir of Sheffield visited The Cornershop in Shoreditch and asked, as if casually requesting a crying statue of the Virgin Mary, what they had for under a fiver.

Muir said: “He looked at me blankly, as if breaking the news about Santa to a child, and said ‘Nothing.’

“I started speaking and he cut me off and with a tone of ‘unicorns don’t exist’ added: “Not even Carlsberg.’

“I’d hoped he’d say ‘£2.85 for Tennant’s, and the glass collector can cure the blind.’ But he didn’t so I paid six quid for a Carlsberg.

Muir continued to hope for a miracle when he offered a girl a drink and she asked for a double gin and tonic.

He said: “‘Special price for doubles?’ I asked. The barman fixed me with a glare and told me to keep praying.”

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Middle-aged man praised for having girlfriend in same age bracket

A 45-YEAR-OLD man has been congratulated for having a girlfriend born in the same decade as him.

Joseph Turner of London has received widespread acclaim for his new relationship with a woman only six years younger than he is, instead of one who was born when he was a teenager.

He said: “I’m not calling myself a hero. That’s for others to do.

“As an accountant from Penge who still has his hair, it would be perfectly natural to set my dating app for women aged 24 to 32. If I want wrinkles and emotional baggage, I can look in the mirror.

“But I stumbled across Hayley in a bar and we discuss the same kids’ TV and only like bands from the 1990s. She doesn’t text too much, she says ‘the Chunnel’ and we spend the weekends knackered from work. What a bloody relief.”

Turner’s colleague Mary Fisher said: “It’s a real step forward for Joseph, and for older women. He’s compromised over his ridiculous expectations of what he can get, and she’s compromised over everything else.

“It’s an entire societal realignment and he’s in the vanguard. Take that, Leonardo DiCaprio.”