Saturday, 15th August 2020

We know the difference between wanking and running, fitness trackers confirm

A MANUFACTURER of leading fitness trackers has confirmed the product does not confuse going for a run and having one off the wrist. 

FitBit has released a statement informing users that the arm movements are distinctly different so no, you can not toss off and get your steps in.

A spokesperson said: “The motions are similar, yes. And movement of the hand or wrist in a repetitive motion, linear or circular, will score you a few. But we know.

“You’re not only cheating yourself, you’re giving us a perfect 3D model of your wanking habits and an annual frequency graph. We’ve got all the data, it’s not pretty.

“Everyone does it but, Graham of Bournemouth, eight times in a day is too many.

“And we’ve just been bought by Google. Prepare for your targeted ads to get really uncomfortably specific.”