I could be the consummate grime artist if I wished, Rees-Mogg tells Stormzy

JACOB Rees-Mogg has asserted that if he were to become a grime MC his intelligence and natural authority would place him in pole position. 

The Leader of the House told interviewers that ‘it is just common sense’ that a man of his bearing could headline Glastonbury, go platinum and launch a fashion line, ‘all without selling out’.

He continued: “Rapping to syncopated breakbeats about the gritty squalor of urban life? All very much within my wheelhouse.

“What Stormzy fails to recognise is that as an Etonian and Trinity man I have the necessary grounding to turn my hand to any field. Grime would be no different.

“I conjecture I’d first drop a sick sixteen bars as a feature on a Fredo track, followed up by an AJ Tracey collaboration and then my first solo release. On my own label, naturellement. 

“Once the acetate had earned enough rewinds on the underground scene, it would go straight in at number one. After headlining the O2 I would then become the first grime artist to break the New World.

“Also, I would ‘date’ Maya Jama and record a diss track about Stormzy featuring her vocals. With the correct breeding, it’s child’s play.”

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Healthy breakfast eater’s life still shit

OFFICE worker Tom Logan’s life is still shit despite him eating a nutritious breakfast every day.

Logan claims his commitment to eating a breakfast packed with fresh fruit and nourishing whole grains has done nothing to improve his miserable existence.

He said: “People always stress the importance of a healthy breakfast as if eating a few bits of fruit is some magical elixir of happiness.

“But I still work in commission-only telesales, spend every night sitting on my own in the pub reading spy books, and haven’t kissed a woman on the lips since 2007.

“I’ve got the same tedious routine, except I’m living it with a few more vitamins in my bloodstream. Certainly I’m no-one’s definition of a ‘winner’.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Breakfast’s ability to positively influence everything is wildly overrated. It’s just several handfuls of food you’d never consider eating at a more civilised time of day.

“The habit of eating porridge only came into existence because a tired woman mistook some oats for a cup of tea and poured milk onto them.

“The results were disgusting but she just shrugged and poured them down her throat because who gives a shit when you’re late for work.”