Woman reconstructing previous night like CSI investigator

A HUNGOVER woman is attempting to put together what happened last night using clues left in her home in the manner of a crime scene investigator.

Sophie Rodriguez has a half eaten kebab, two used wine glasses and a pair of men’s underwear to go on, and not much else.

She said: “I went out after work, that much I know for sure, but things quickly become a blank. When I questioned my friend, she said my last known whereabouts was Mac’s Doner Shack at 1.37am, where I was witnessed yelling ‘Get your cock out’ at some rugby lads.

“At home the evidence is an empty bottle of wine and two glasses by the bed, which suggests I had company, but could have just been me over the course of two consecutive drunken nights. Holding them up to the light to check for fingerprints was inconclusive.

“I’ve followed the pile of discarded clothes around trying to work out my movements, but the trail gets confused next to the laundry basket. And were those boxers removed in the flat or did I nick them off of someone’s washing line?

“I’d need to see CCTV footage to be sure. Although to be honest, if they belong to that guy Julian I vaguely remember trying it on in the pub, I’d rather not know.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man suspicious of tattooist with zero tattoos

A MAN is reconsidering his decision to get a tattoo after noticing that the tattooist had decided not to get any herself.

Tom Logan, 41, had been wanting to get an intricate tattoo of an eagle playing a flaming drumkit ever since university, but felt the tattooist’s complete lack of unsightly ink drawings suggested there might be some drawback to the procedure.

Logan said: “Tattooists are meant to have tattoos. Not having any just looks wrong, like the Pope wearing a basketball top. That’s why he wears a cassock. It shows he’s got confidence in his product.

“When I get a tattoo I expect the tattooist to be absolutely covered in the things to overcome my misgivings. What does this one know that everyone else doesn’t?”

Tattooist Nikki Hollis said: “I’m more into this for the money than the lifestyle. Do I want Nicholas Cage’s face on my ankle, or a sleeve tattoo that just looks as if I’m going mouldy? I think I can live without that. 

“My body is a temple, and you don’t scrawl graffiti on a holy building. You certainly wouldn’t paint a skeleton on a motorbike on it.”

Logan is now intending to find another tattooist, saying: “I want someone who has at least one tattoo of a creepy face that looks nothing like the person it’s supposed to be – ideally Freddie Mercury, with ‘Rest in Peace, Fredy’ above it. 

“Then, when I’m getting mine done, I can think ‘Thank God it’s not as bad as that.’”