Woman shocked to discover she likes IPA

A WOMAN was shocked to find she actually enjoys the taste of a craft beer IPA, she has confirmed. 

Mary Fisher tried the high-gravity beer after partner Martin Bishop forgot to buy her usual bottle of rosé and was surprised that it was genuinely pleasurable.

She said: “I liked it. I mean, I really liked it.

“Martin’s been stocking the fridge with all these bottles of IPA, with their fancy labels and stupid names, for years and I never bothered trying them. Why would I?

“I’d heard all these macho things about how ‘hoppy’ it is, and that it keeps you awake and that only bikers and truckers like it, but I thought I’d give it a go and turns out it’s way less pissy than ordinary beer.

“I joked to Martin that I might just switch to drinking his cans from now on and he joked that I wasn’t allowed to touch them, but I wasn’t actually joking. But he was.”

Bishop said: “This is like when Chris’s girlfriend watched a football match and thought she was into football and wanted to talk about football and watch football. They split up.

“It wasn’t a joke. Those IPAs are mine.”

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Next iPhone to feature shatterproof glass, decent battery and haha of course it won't

APPLE have announced that the next iPhone will feature multiple actual improvements, before clarifying that they are of course joking. 

CEO Tim Cook announced to an audience of industry figures that the iPhone 11 would have a screen able to withstand a drop onto concrete from 12ft, a battery lasting 72 hours and predictive text that recognises the word ‘f*ck’.

He said: “The headphone socket’s back, all the Apple apps play nicely with the non-Apple apps, and the camera takes pictures. Not 3D moving infrared pictures. Just pictures.”

As his audience looked on open-mouthed, Cook also announced a new MacBook with a working keyboard, USB ports, and a revolutionary anti-spillage system which means it can take a full bottle of wine and keep working flawlessly.

He continued: “Kidding! In fact we’ve not done any of that, but have packed in a whole range of expensive new features you won’t ever understand because you’re too stupid for our advanced technology.

“I can confirm the iPhone 11 will feature an aesthetically pleasing completely opaque screen, though those Luddites who insist on a visual display can buy a special £200 adapter.”