Little food better than big food

MINIATURE versions of normally larger food items are superior in every way, consumers have confirmed. 

Tiny cheeseburgers, sausage rolls, tacos and hotdogs are better than their unwieldy counterparts because they are smaller, cuter and you can eat more of them.

Nutrition scientist Helen Archer said: “Big burgers? Gauche. Tiny burgers? Classy as f*ck.

“One large burger is intimidating, while eight small burgers offer an acceptable way to consume far more meat and bread in a way that almost seems dainty.

“They look fun, far more work’s gone into their preparation and they’re an amusing, ironic joke while actually still tasting great unlike other posh foods where you need champagne just to wash the fancy crap down.

“Miniature pizzas are also great, but they have to be properly mini. Those merely small frozen ones from Asda are just children’s pizzas and remain horrendously common.”

The findings have been welcomed by those who always say ‘Oh, I couldn’t possibly,’ before asking for a bit of whatever you are eating.

But while the science is settled on miniature food’s overwhelming superiority, researchers have stressed that the same is not thought to be true for miniatures of booze.

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'Yeah just enjoyed the sunshine' says man who woke up in garden full of cans

A MAN who woke up at 8am on Sunday in a garden littered with empty beer cans has claimed he just ‘enjoyed the lovely weather’. 

Roy Hobbs, who dragged himself to the bathroom on Sunday morning to find one side of his face sunburnt and the other imprinted with the waffle-pattern of a garden chair, told colleagues that it was great to ‘just sit out and relax’.

Workmate Joe Turner said: “Roy said he ‘had a bit of a lazy one watching the sun set over the trees’ which doesn’t quite tally with sightings of him erratically pushing a trolley loaded of Stella through Tesco at 9pm.

“Also he’s wincing from insect bites, scraped shins and apparently at some point sat on a disposable barbecue. I’m not sure his story about ‘being at one with nature and that’ is entirely accurate.”

Hobbs said: “Yeah, I invited a few friends round. I’m not sure if they made it. I woke up when I tried to rub my eye with a hand still wedged in a bag of Kettle Chips.

“That’s what people mean when they say ‘enjoying the sunshine’, right? Is there another way?”