Woman trades car for multiple complex intersecting transport options so she can have second glass of wine

A WOMAN who has a car and can drive has decided to instead treble her journey time so she can enjoy a second glass of Pinot Grigio.

Mary Fisher, aged 32, was intending to drive to a Christmas get-together with friends but has instead decided to leave her car at home and make the complicated journey on public transport so she can get ever so slightly drunk.

She said: “It’s no trouble, really. Bus to the train station, train to the tram stop, tram into town, then the same back. If the trains are still running. If not it’s three buses.

“Yes, I could just jump in the car that’s sitting outside on the drive and be there in 30 minutes, but where’s the fun in that? Only having one glass of wine while everyone else gets sloshed, and at Christmas?

“Really it just shows how piss-poor public transport is in our town. That I have to go through this rigmarole is an absolute disgrace. I may write to my MP, leaving out the bit about how I only do this to get pissed.

“Not that I’ll be able to get very pissed, of course. Not with all that shit to negotiate on the way home.”

Friend Carolyn Ryan said: “I admire Mary’s commitment to the cause and I wish there was a better solution. Fingers crossed Katie gets pregnant soon so she can drive us all about.”

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Eyelashes on headlights, and other things that will add £200 to the garage's bill

WANT to pay an extra £200 for your car’s annual service? Simply make sure your car includes these accessories and you’ll be out of pocket in no time: 

Eyelashes on headlights

More often found on Nissan Micras than Porsche Carreras, these allow drivers to believe their car is flirting with other traffic on the A34 like an automotive Betty Boop. Mechanics, who tend not to be in touch with their feminine sides, are humiliated by having to work on it and charge accordingly. And while it is possible for women who like their headlamps decorative to know about cars, few will challenge £220 for a ‘busted axle-tibula’.

Fuzzy dice

A pair of these 1980s accessories dangling from the rear-view mirror? They may as well be testicles for the mechanic to grab and squeeze. Cars are a serious business, not for you to pretend you’re one of The Professionals when you’re a customer services manager from Darlington. Think of your subsequent overcharging as an on-the-spot fine.

Reindeer ears

At this time of year, you may be tempted to buy a pair of reindeer ears to make your car resemble Rudolph’s head. Do not do this. It undercuts your authority when yelling ‘wanker!’ at a taxi that cut you up at the lights, and it incurs the displeasure of garages who will add a Christmas bonus to your bill.

Interior car lights

Do you really need your legs to be bathed in purple as you drive? Why? What benefit are the vibes of an Ibiza nightclub as you do 30mph in a built-up area? The garage will assume you’re a boy racer, correctly decide the roads are safer without you on them and add a charge to encourage your future in pedestrianism.


You have a dreamcatcher hanging from your mirror? To catch bad dreams? From when you nod off in the outside lane of the M4? If that’s what’s happening you’re everybody’s nightmare. ‘Darling, you’re making it too easy for me,’ says the mechanic, hoping a bracing £285 surcharge will wake you the f**k up.


Not strictly an accessory but hardly necessary, is it? Other cars get from A to B without costing an extra 20 grand. Your car is making a statement, and that statement is that you have money. The garage has received that message and understands perfectly. Hence the bill.