Woman who refused large glass of wine knocks back four small ones in five minutes flat

A WOMAN who said she had better not have a large glass of wine was quite happy to get hammered on a shitload of small ones.

Emma Howard, who opted for a smaller measure ‘to be sensible’, went on to spend the evening downing 125 ml Chardonnays like shots of tequila. 

Emma’s husband Tom said: “I told her it would be cheaper to order herself a whole bottle but she insisted there was ‘no way’ she’d be able to drink an entire bottle of wine.

“Then 16 ‘small’ glasses later she has polished off the best part of a bottle and a half. By the glass.

“She did the same with dessert. She said she couldn’t possibly manage one but then somehow managed to eat half of mine.”

Emma said: “Those glasses seemed so small. It must be some sort of optical illusion. How clever.”

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BDSM fan orders home delivery knowing he won’t be in

A MASOCHIST has ordered a home delivery despite knowing full well he will not be in to receive the package.

BDSM enthusiast Stephen Malley ordered a new printer cartridge via a well-known online retailer, even though he knew he would be at work for the entire duration of the delivery slot.

He said “The thrill as I clicked ‘buy’ knowing there will be a pointless attempt to deliver the package while when any normal person is at work was akin to being handcuffed by a dominatrix.

“And then when I got home to discover the little card telling me I have to go to an inconveniently located depot to claim my purchase was like being spanked with a spiked leather bound paddle.

“I made it to the depot only to discover I’d forgotten my ID and would have to go all the way home and come back again. I ejaculated on the spot.”

He added: “I’m going to become a deliveryman. Imagine your entire life just being walking up to a door, ringing the bell, waiting a bit and then walking away having achieved nothing, completely humiliated.

“Jesus Christ almighty.”