10 musical artists who are horribly middle class

SOME artists are so middle class it’s a constant distraction when you’re humming along, or not, in the case of Coldplay. Here are some who didn’t let a privileged background stand in the way of a successful music career.

Mick Jagger

Like many in the 60s, Jagger put on a working class accent. He probably got away with it so much because his strangulated faux-proletarian accent didn’t sound fake, just odd, like the sound of a cat being sucked down a drain.

Donny Tourette, the Towers of London

A tabloid expose revealed he wasn’t a working class Hackney ruffian but terribly middle class – he used to visit neighbour Leo Sayer’s mansion for tea. However the band mostly successfully distracted attention from their backgrounds by being enormous cocks.


Coldplay are the whipping boy for any journalist arguing about the middle classification of pop music. Chris Martin did indeed attend prep school and is related to various Tory grandees including, distantly, Winston Churchill. However, in much the same way that John Peel avoided a lot of paedo flak because people liked his work, Coldplay probably get extra class-based criticism because their music is f**king rubbish.

Mumford & Sons

All public school types, with two them including Marcus Mumford attending the prestigious King’s College School. Interestingly, another alumnus was WW2 traitor and radio broadcaster Lord Haw-Haw, so it has an impressive track record of producing hated entertainers.

Bruce Dickinson, Iron Maiden

Adding to the hilarity of Iron Maiden’s juvenile satanism, war and madness-themed tunes is the fact that Bruce Dickinson attended Oundle public school, as did Richard Dawkins. His poor parents, expecting Bruce to become an accountant, not start prancing around in spandex in front of nerdy virgins singing Number of the Beast, which isn’t remotely scary.

Lily Allen

Ersatz Cockney sparrer who attended King Charles’ alma mater in Knightsbridge. More of a ‘bohemian’ background than anything else, to be fair, and she has been through the probable trauma of having Keith Allen as a dad. She probably got free DVDs of Rancid Aluminium and Beyond Bedlam for her birthday as a kid.


Famously formed at Charterhouse School. But by the time they were doing Land of Confusion and forming Mike and the Mechanics, listeners tended to feel indifference and/or pity rather than class grievance. Peter Gabriel getting to smooch with Kate Bush must have stung as well.

James Blunt

Went to Harrow, one of the hardcore public schools where they still wear top hats, and was a Captain in the Life Guards (part of the Household Cavalry, not working in a leisure centre). Served in Bosnia, but sadly no amount of humanitarian peace-keeping can stop You’re Beautiful being one of the most irritating songs of all time.

Pink Floyd

The Floyd’s middle classness hardly needs documenting, but it creates a certain dissonance when they’re singing ‘We don’t need no education’. Well you do, Roger, mate. If you end up being a council road sweeper you’ll really have something to be miserable about.

Joe Strummer, the Clash

Strummer was roundly mocked by other punks for his public school background and colonial civil servant dad, but he was sincere in his political views. In fact it’s best not to get to hung up on the concept of authenticity in punk. Sid Vicious thought heroin was authentic, and of course there’s Johnny Rotten’s eternal Country Life shame.

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Bullshit ways the press will try to romanticise blackouts

ENERGY rationing could lead to blackouts this winter. Here are the awful positive spins the papers will inevitably try to put on them.

The Financial Times – You’ll save money

Everyone’s going to be feeling the pinch this winter due the cost-of-living crisis, meaning you should welcome the power going off. Sitting in the dark for hours on end like a medieval peasant will bring your energy bill down to a nearly-affordable level, so stop being so negative about it.

Daily Mail Femail – It’ll be romantic

Forget about merely turning down the lights. Having them completely off due to a lack of energy reserves and lighting a few candles will really set the romantic mood. Then all you need to do is find someone who’s attracted to you, which will be impossible because you won’t be able to charge your phone and fire up Tinder. And you read the Daily Mail.

The Daily Express – It’ll be just like the ‘70s

The 70s were the best decade ever, apart from all the paedos on TV. You remember the grinding poverty of the Three-Day Week and you turned out fine – no thanks to Labour, who you always blame even if they weren’t the government. As an Express reader you’ll satisfyingly rant about all this in an unrelated local Facebook group discussing the Christmas charity Santa. In all-caps.

The i – Blackouts will give you perspective

Remember how the lockdowns gave everyone a fresh appreciation for the smaller things in life? The blackouts will be the same, the stupidly named i will point out for a different angle. People will rally round and support their neighbours, before getting carried away and ruining it like the ‘clap for carers’ bollocks. Let’s just hope there’s no sea shanties this time.

The Guardian – Think about your carbon footprint

Popping out of a room for five seconds and leaving the big light on is single-handedly melting the ice caps and ripping a massive hole in the ozone layer. That’s a scientific fact. Now your lights will be firmly off, which will balance out the international flights you took this summer. Definitely feel green and smug, even if you have no choice in the matter.

The Sunday Sport – What could be sexier?

The power going out will be raunchier than women in wet T-shirts mud wrestling. Get ready for non-stop bonking with the missus – and probably some WAGs, MILFs, the barmaid at your local and your stepsister. Don’t forget to take pictures and send them in, although all of this is just a sad wank fantasy and they’ll just use a picture of a glamour model suggestively holding a candle.