Your stubbed toe: Was it the fault of the anti-growth coalition?

THE anti-growth coalition, made up of anyone who disagrees with Liz Truss, is the source of every wrong in this country. So is it behind these misfortunes?

Your stubbed toe

Last night, coming to bed late and drunk, you stubbed your toe. But are you to blame? No. You finished the Wolf Blass in despair because the coalition won’t get behind Brexit and your husband had turned the light out – because why stay awake when entrepreneurs are punished by regulation?

Verdict: The anti-growth coalition did it.

Scraping the car

While mounting the kerb to get past a parked lorry, you scraped the car door on an unseen rock. But why was that lorry parked? Because there’s no point going anywhere in Britain’s unproductive go-slow working culture? And was the rock there because Extinction Rebellion glued themselves to it?

Verdict: The anti-growth coalition scraped your car.

The bullshit plot of BBC1’s Inside Man

One mishap with a USB leads to a vicar and his wife locking a woman in their cellar and considering murder? You wasted a whole evening on this implausible bollocks because the producers got a taxi from North London to the BBC to smear the clergy, insinuate anyone with a big house is evil and confuse you into voting Labour.

Verdict: The anti-growth coalition deliberately made Inside Man shit to hurt you.

Impotence and/or premature ejaculation

You can’t raise it and when you do you’re finished quicker than a Countdown conundrum. Why? Because of the unions, the Brexit deniers, the SNP and the ‘wokerati’. How can you be expected to remain focused on growth, stability and not shooting your bolt early with those bastards running around?

Verdict: The anti-growth coalition are responsible for your poor sexual performance.

Mortgage going up by £300 a month

This, along with inflation at ten per cent and unaffordable energy bills, is simply a storm the country is going through and must brave without complaint. It could not possibly be considered anyone’s fault. Some ills cannot be blamed on anyone and we should stop looking for culprits.

Verdict: Nobody’s fault. Stop asking.

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Teenage girl who wants to wear trainers to school trying to draw comparisons with Iran

A TEENAGER who wants to wear non-uniform shoes to school is valiantly attempting to make an argument based on girls in Iran refusing to wear headscarves.

Lucy Phipps thinks black Clarks lace-ups are ‘basic’ and claims attempts to make her wear them instead of her Nike Air Max are an assault on her freedom.

Phipps said: “Like those brave girls in Iran, I am protesting to be able to live my life however I choose. Is that what they’re doing? Something like that, anyway.

“The shoes you are forcing me to wear are symbols of uniformity and authoritarianism, and also Jack Browne from 9E told me he’d never snog a girl wearing them.

“So I have removed them and thrown them in the canal in protest. I tried to burn them but it turns out vulcanised rubber isn’t very flammable.”

Mum Joanna Phipps said: “We try to listen and accommodate Lucy’s feelings but when we heard she’d run through the school shouting ‘Death to the dictator!’ about her head of year, we thought she’d gone a bit far.”