THE anti-growth coalition, made up of anyone who disagrees with Liz Truss, is the source of every wrong in this country. So is it behind these misfortunes?
Your stubbed toe
Last night, coming to bed late and drunk, you stubbed your toe. But are you to blame? No. You finished the Wolf Blass in despair because the coalition won’t get behind Brexit and your husband had turned the light out – because why stay awake when entrepreneurs are punished by regulation?
Verdict: The anti-growth coalition did it.
Scraping the car
While mounting the kerb to get past a parked lorry, you scraped the car door on an unseen rock. But why was that lorry parked? Because there’s no point going anywhere in Britain’s unproductive go-slow working culture? And was the rock there because Extinction Rebellion glued themselves to it?
Verdict: The anti-growth coalition scraped your car.
The bullshit plot of BBC1’s Inside Man
One mishap with a USB leads to a vicar and his wife locking a woman in their cellar and considering murder? You wasted a whole evening on this implausible bollocks because the producers got a taxi from North London to the BBC to smear the clergy, insinuate anyone with a big house is evil and confuse you into voting Labour.
Verdict: The anti-growth coalition deliberately made Inside Man shit to hurt you.
Impotence and/or premature ejaculation
You can’t raise it and when you do you’re finished quicker than a Countdown conundrum. Why? Because of the unions, the Brexit deniers, the SNP and the ‘wokerati’. How can you be expected to remain focused on growth, stability and not shooting your bolt early with those bastards running around?
Verdict: The anti-growth coalition are responsible for your poor sexual performance.
Mortgage going up by £300 a month
This, along with inflation at ten per cent and unaffordable energy bills, is simply a storm the country is going through and must brave without complaint. It could not possibly be considered anyone’s fault. Some ills cannot be blamed on anyone and we should stop looking for culprits.
Verdict: Nobody’s fault. Stop asking.