Man who's spent 12 years f**king things up copying Tories by pretending it wasn't him

A MAN who has acted like a total prick for 12 years is taking a leaf out of the Tories’ book and pretending it was someone else’s fault.

Julian Cook has lied, cheated, gaslit, offended and generally upset everyone he has met over the last decade but is now acting like it was nothing to do with him.

Cook said: “My life is a horrible mess littered with ruined relationships and shattered dreams, but it turns out none of that is my fault. Even though I was the one who did it.

“Like the Conservative party, I’m disowning everything I did and announcing that I want to move on. Tough shit if I’ve f**ked you over. Let it go.

“The sleazy skirt-chasing, the drunken unreliability, the obnoxious personality, the borrowed money, the sexual harassment – yep, I’m ignoring that like Truss ignores twats like George Osborne and Iain Duncan Smith.

“I’m a new man, and absolutely not the same old useless twat who’s had a hair cut and changed his shirt. So just be nice to me now, okay?”

Cook’s ex-partner Nikki Hollis said: “He’s right that he’s like the Tories. Once a f**king bastard, always a f**king bastard.”

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'The Neverending Story' and other films that are shite on rewatching

BELOVED films from your childhood were never amazing cinematic classic, you were just eight. Upon rewatching, these ones are terrible.

The Neverending Story (1984)

As a kid you identified with Bastian Bux as he soared across Fantasia on luckdragon Falkor to fight the Nothing because you too were a bookworm who was beaten up by bullies on a daily basis. As an adult you’re not even moved when Artax dies because leading a horse through a swamp is clearly a dumb idea.

Beetlejuice (1988)

Fondly remembered by many for its impressive visual effects and a career-defining performance by Michael Keaton. The memory cheats though. When you try and show this ‘classic’ to a partner who’s never seen it before they will find the freelance bio-exorcist f**king annoying and problematic, then spend the rest of the runtime questioning other judgements you’ve made.

The Breakfast Club (1985)

A film about angst-ridden teenage misfits is bound to appeal to you when you’re an angst-ridden teenage misfit. But does it deserve such a high place in the canon of your nostalgia? No. Upon rewatch you’ll realise the characters represent the broad spectrum of life’s knobheads, so no wonder it spoke to you on a deep level. It’s time to grow up and ditch the adolescent woes like Allison.

The Dark Crystal (1982)

You loved this epic fantasy film about the Gelflings overthrowing the Skeksis when you were little, so much so that you’ve never dared to risk watching it again as an adult because you suspect it isn’t actually that good. It must be amazing though, surely, because Netflix pumped millions of dollars into making a prequel series nobody talks about.

Big (1988)

You loved the premise of Big but sadly it doesn’t stand the test of time. Sure, it’s got the piano scene, but that only goes on for two minutes. The rest of the movie is a cautionary tale about the crushing misery of adult life in which love interest Susan comes to terms with the realisation that she fooled around with a child. Like her resulting emotional trauma, squash down your memories of this film until they disappear.