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Six things middle-class students dabble with at university that are far worse than drugs

MANY parents worry about their children experimenting with drugs in university, but these dark paths are actually far more dangerous to venture down. 

Stand up

After someone laughed at one of his jokes, your son has decided to pursue a ‘career’ in comedy and now spends his weekends on stage in the back room of a pub awkwardly telling an embarrassed audience about the time you walked in on him masturbating. What’s worse is that at the end of the year he will ask you for £5,000 to take his show to Edinburgh.

Debating

Well done, you’ve raised an egomaniac who believes she should go into politics. Unfortunately, she’s in the debating club at an ex-polytechnic in Reading rather than a fancy Oxford college, so she has zero chance of becoming the next prime minister. Which is a shame, as she’d be infinitely better than Liz Truss.

Instant noodles

Throughout his childhood, you ensured your special boy only consumed organic food from Waitrose so he’s wholly unprepared for the ravages a student diet will have on his body. A ketamine habit would probably be less damaging than three packets of hot ‘n’ spicy instant noodles every day.

Drama society

Having sat through years of terrible school plays, you thought you were safe when your daughter decided to study law. Unfortunately, she discovered the drama society and now you’re going to be forced to see a modern reimagining of The Crucible set in a Spar shop. Hopefully the 1-star review the production gets in the local paper will end this fad.

Being a DJ

As if your child’s decision to do a degree in media studies wasn’t disappointing enough, it turns out they spunked the majority of their student loan on a set of second-hand turntables. You can only hope they soon realise that their dubstep remix of the Emmerdale theme tune isn’t a ground-breaking artistic triumph and is, in fact, massively shit.

Quidditch team

Rather than getting into any of the proper sports like rugby or rowing, your son is running about on a mop pretending to be a wizard. At your next dinner party when friends ask how Oliver’s getting on at uni, you’d genuinely be less embarrassed to say he’s selling weed.

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Workers you think are flirting with you but are actually just being polite

IT’S crucial to remember that people working in shops and cafes are paid to be nice to you. Here are five you definitely shouldn’t hit on:

Coffee shop baristas

Just because they know you order a flat white it doesn’t mean they want to shag you in the disabled loo. It just means you go there all the time and boringly order the same thing. And they ask everyone their name, you dummy, because they need to know to what to write on your cup.

Bar staff

Bar staff smile at you either because they enjoy their work or because they’ve correctly recognised you as the type of tedious prick liable to say something like ‘cheer up, love, it might never happen’ if they don’t. There isn’t the teeniest hope that they will ever go home with you, so stop offering to buy them drinks, you weirdo.

Supermarket checkout staff

These people have been mindlessly beeping groceries all afternoon and have zero interest in being flirted with by some twat who thinks they are sophisticated because they’ve bought Jacob’s Creek wine instead of Blossom Hill. They’re not laughing at your witty jokes, they’ve just caught the eye of their colleague who has clocked you and mouthed ‘wanker’.

Cabin crew

Your life is in their hands so it’s unsurprising you find their quiet competence and smart uniform a bit sexy as they politely ask you what you’d like to drink. However, keep your lascivious thoughts yourself as if you boorishly attempt to ask one of them out after necking too many ruinously expensive cans of Heineken, you’ll find yourself arrested the second you land.

Estate Agents

Is it your imagination, or is that easy-on-the-eye estate agent flirting with you as they mention the ‘comfortable master bedroom’ and ‘shower with room for two’? No, that’s really happening, but the only thing they want from you is a quick sale and a big commission rather than an illicit screw on the brand new carpet. They’ll be treating you like a contemptible piece of crap the second you’ve signed on the dotted line, so don’t get your hopes up.

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