How Britain will no longer exist by the end of Liz Truss's speech: a minute-by-minute guide

BY the time Liz Truss finishes speaking today, Britain will no longer exist. Here’s how it will happen minute-by-minute:

11.05am: Truss takes stage and opens mouth. FTSE falls 140 points.

11.07am: Truss finishes first, awkward sentence. Pound approaches parity with dollar. Bank of England raises interest rates by 1.5 per cent. Labour lead polls by 80 points.

11.11am: Truss attacks ‘the anti-growth coalition’. Energy blackouts begin across country unable to import gas or oil. General strike called.

11.15am: Truss says she’s sick of hearing Britain done down. IMF outlines multi-billion pound rescue package. Food rationing and curfews announced. Riots across UK.

11.18am: Truss says ‘where there is change, there is disruption’. Taking her at her word, moderate Tories storm stage to take power. Hand-to-hand fighting between Cabinet loyalists and bankbenchers sees hall run red with blood. Truss continues speaking.

11.22am: Rebels hold Parliament but loyalists hold Downing Street, encircled and under siege. King Charles dissolves government and declares himself leader, but is not recognised by UN. Truss talks about growing up in Leeds.

11.27am: Ireland, France and an independent Scotland close borders to refugees from Britain after admitting more than 15 million. Army unable to enforce martial law. Black markets only accept euros and dollars. Truss outlines her clear plan to deliver.

11.32am: England and Wales divided between feuding warlords. Cities in ruins, countryside heavily mined. Half the population feared dead. Liz Truss finishes speech, surprised not to receive standing ovation from empty, roofless, burning hall. Leaves stage.

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Office worker eats lunch at 10am, loses mind at 2pm

AN employee has caved and eaten his lunch ludicrously early, shifting his usual post-work mental breakdown into the mid-afternoon.

Oliver O’Connor rashly consumed his cheese and pickle sandwich in the morning, leaving him with nothing to look forward to until he is allowed to leave the building seven bleak hours later.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Office workers can only make it through the day with the promise of food at regular intervals, from a limp Pret croissant first thing to a guilty second Mars Bar at 5.25pm.

“When these are taken away, they get hungry, angry and despairing of the fact that they’re wasting their lives inputting data when they could be living on a small-holding on Orkney, despite having a mortal fear of pigs.

“This is why a vending machine is vital for all businesses. People satiated with sugar and engaged in conversations about which is the best flavour of Revel will never rise up to destroy their bosses.

“It’s coffee, by the way. The orange Revels are disgusting.”

Oliver O’Connor said: “I’ve nothing left to live for, now my sandwich is gone. Unless I come up with a plan to steal Mike’s Wagon Wheel. That will fend off the crushing ennui for at least 40 minutes.”