THE Great British Bake Off returns to screens tonight with its most lascivious, finger-licking judge yet. Nigella Lawson will employ all these innuendos in one show:
“Slip those into my bottom oven”
“It’s moist, but you’re going to need to do more to get it all the way there”
“That isn’t anywhere near hard enough, and I’m reluctant to put it in my mouth”
“Spatter the icing all over. Go wild. I can’t get enough”
“There’s nothing better than the sweet explosion of flavour from a cream horn”
“Turn up the heat and you’ll be getting something truly delectable”
“I like a contestant who really knows when to knead and when to bring out the rolling pin”
“I’m sure you won’t mind if I take your cherry”
“Paul has the knack for making it rise effortlessly while keeping that tremendous shape”
“Oh yes. Rub in the butter. Rub in the f**king butter”
“I can do treacle or honey, if you know what I mean. Anyway, now’s not the time to be on Grindr”
“I see you’ve got them rising in stiff, stiff peaks. But do they melt in the mouth?”
“Want to see a real showstopper? Let me unzip my top”
“That needs to be filled with cream. Really vigorously”
“Your area bears the imprint of a pair of buttocks in flour? Well they’re not mine”
“That tartiflette makes me want to get done at both ends. Spit-roast, baby”
“I thought you wanted innuendo? Well, the line between a double entendre and open requests to be banged is a permeable one”
“Okay, okay, I’ll tone it down for the next episode. Genuinely sorry. How I make it up to you with a double bagpiping? One under each armpit. My treat.”
