2001: A Space Odyssey and other classic films you'll struggle to stay awake through

GROUNDBREAKING, seminal and dull as f**k; these movies are so critically acclaimed you should never bore yourself rigid by actually watching them. 

2001: A Space Odyssey, 1968

Kubrick’s sci-fi masterpiece is about a spaceship with a computer that’s broken. Dealing with HAL 9000 would be child’s play to anyone who’s tried to install a new printer driver. To beef it up into film length there’s a prologue about chimp fights and an ending that even ardent cineastes have to Google to explain.

Casablanca, 1942

A movie about a barman who meets an old flame in the middle of the Second World War and helps her escape the enemy, Casablanca has all the makings of a great war flick. But lets itself down badly by focusing on love, romance and cracklingly smart dialogue instead of tanks and rocket-propelled grenades.

The Piano, 1993

A love triangle between a mute woman, a grunting man and a piano in the wilds of New Zealand. It doesn’t go well, as you’d imagine, especially for the viewer. You have to be pretty damn grim for the Oscars to judge Schindler’s List more uplifting.

The Seventh Seal, 1957

The perfect storm of subtitles, black-and-white footage, a chess match and Scandinavia means The Seventh Seal is even duller than film critics droning about how marvellous it is. Did influence proper movies by inspiring the scene where Death plays Battleships in Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey.

The Godfather, 1972

All the Mafia cliches seemed fresh, back in 1972. The code of honour, the hits, the betrayals, ‘going to the mattresses’: all new. Now it’s all so tired it’s like when The Simpsons does a Mafia episode. The bits in Sicily, meanwhile, resemble an olive oil advert.

Brief Encounter, 1945

Married man meets a married woman at train station. They drink tea and go to the cinema before deciding not to have an affair. Fourteen-year-olds on badly misjudged first dates are less awkward. If it was remade today they’d get at least get one shag in.

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'We know what you're up to after we've gone to bed,' say women

WOMEN have advised men everywhere that they know full well what they get up to after they have gone to bed.

Wives and girlfriends have confirmed that minor things like the disappearance of whole bag of Kettle Chips and the TV being on Channel 5 in the morning do not go entirely unnoticed.

Emma Bradford said: “The one you have to watch are the ones that sweetly kiss you goodnight then say, ‘I’ll finish watching the news, then I’ll be right up.’

“They might as well say, ‘The second you’re upstairs it’s over to the kitchen cupboard for half a pack of HobNobs, then open an Incognito window for some exactingly niche porn.’

“The Hobnobs packet’s there in the bin. The porn’s there in the panicked way they leap up from the sofa when you come down to get a charger.

“We also know about that spare bottle of whisky at the back of the cupboard, the borderline gambling addiction, and the Tinder account. Yeah.

“Can’t you be a bit more subtle about it, like I am upstairs with my dildo while you never, ever realise? Come on.”