34-year-old realises he's easily the oldest and most desperate man in the nightclub

IT has dawned on a 34-year-old man that he is by far the most ancient and desperate person in a heaving night club.

Tom Booker became aware of his situation after noticing that he could not spot a strange decrepit man standing at the edge of the dance floor eerily watching all the young nubile bodies having a good time.

He said: “Every nightclub has a resident lecherous old timer, but I couldn’t see him because I am him. He is me. I have completed the circle of life.

“Even the bar staff and bouncers are fresh-faced cherubs compared to me. I’m amazed they even let me through the door. Aren’t I cramping everyone’s style with my greying hair and slightly out-of-touch cultural references?

“Compared to their unwrinkled faces with frankly incredible hairlines, I must look like the grim spectre of death. A haunting premonition of the ravages of time that await them. Well, enjoy your youth while you can kids, you’ll be a fossil like me in 10 years.”

Nightclub-goer Kelly Howard, aged 21, said: “I think it’s very important for people of such advanced years to still get out and about. I reckon it stops them going senile, like sudoku.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Windmill your cock: How to finally attract the attention of a waiter

YOUR polite hand gestures and meek eye contact are never going to get your food ordered. Time to take drastic action, like this:

Put cash on the table

Waiters are notoriously low-paid, and can’t resist a bit of extra cash. Place a pound coin in the middle of your table and their money-grabbing little paws will be upon you before you can say, ‘Shall we get starters?’ The risk of this strategy is that two waiters will spot the money and get into a fight. Still, that might be fun to watch, especially if you’re out celebrating your birthday.

Unleash your children 

People find children at restaurants annoying, so the staff will be desperate for you to keep yours under control and avoid getting on the other diners’ tits. Simply remove their iPads and tell them to go and help themselves to the plates on the next table. You’ll have a multitude of waiters with you in seconds.

Shout something stupid

Only an uncultured oaf yells something like ‘Oi!’ or ‘Garçon!’ at a waiter, or goes totally for broke and repeatedly clicks their fingers. However, it will get the staff’s attention and they will be forced to come and serve you. You’ll get your meal, but bear in mind that your delicious French onion soup will arrive with liberal lashings of piss in it.

Start to leave

If you’ve been sat waiting for the bill for an hour, this is by far the best option. Don’t commando roll out of the door or anything, just do what you’d normally do when leaving a restaurant: start putting your coats on, stick the fancy wine glasses in your bag, and so on. For legal reasons, you should shout ‘Well, goodbye then!’ so you have a watertight defence against any subsequent accusations of running off without paying. If they still ignore you, you get a free meal.

Windmill your cock

This will definitely grab the attention of the waiting staff, although they’ll probably react by calling 999 because you’ve just committed a serious crime. At least a trip to the local police station will make a nice change from the previous three hours of clearing your throat and attempting to make eye contact.