37-year-old woman thinks DJs are cool

A WOMAN in her late thirties still believes DJs are cool, it has emerged.

Mother-of-one Nikki Hollis is still in childlike awe of people whose job is to play fast music to people on drugs.

She said: “DJs are incredibly talented individuals. I mean Stephen Hawking might know about time and the universe and so on, but he couldn’t play a banging set at World Dance in 1994 like Kenny Ken did.

“People who say DJs just play other people’s music haven’t experienced Sasha at Bagley’s which was like watching a composer conducting a symphony, except everyone’s nutted on pills.”

Sensible car owner and sewing fan Hollis added: “The best DJs are Grooverider, Groove Armada and Easygroove, because having the word ‘groove’ in your name is pretty awesome. Apparently it even says ‘Grooverider’ on Grooverider’s Visa Delta debit card.

“And what about when hip hop DJs do scratching by moving the record back and forth? I just don’t know how they do that.

“The only people more amazing than DJs are MCs. Especially Sharkey and Mongoose, they should probably get the Nobel prize for services to rave.”

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How to organise a shit Christmas do

CHRISTMAS would not be complete without a traditionally shit workplace bash, but how should you go about organising one?

Choose a restaurant with the hellish ‘Christmas set menu’. Visit beforehand to ensure the turkey is more like beef jerky, the salmon weirdly rectangular and the vegetarian option is a slurry-like mulch called simply ‘Vegetarian Meal’.

Seat people inappropriately. If you work with a shy, bookish 50-something woman, put her with your worst laddish sales guys who will just talk about cars and anal sex.

Book an activity that is a massive pain in the arse when people just want a relaxing drink and a chat, for example 10-pin bowling or something called ‘Lazer Zone’ that nobody understands.

Alternatively, have your party in the office. The depressing surroundings and Twiglets will make everyone feel as though they’re in a particularly caustic Mike Leigh play about the futility of modern life.

Take lots of pictures and post the most unflattering ones on Facebook. Add ‘hilarious’ captions that are actually just inappropriate, such as “Roy the alkie!” or “Emma ‘Two Chins’ Bradford!”

At the end of the evening make everyone go looking for a late-night bar you dimly remember going to once and which, after 40 minutes of trudging around, is shut.