6 Music 'regrets trying to be good'

BBC 6 Music has closed after its listeners voted Clocks by Coldplay their favourite track.

The station prided itself on playing cutting edge music. Industry insiders now believe this was a complete waste of time.

Soon after announcing the result, DJ Steve Lamacq was heard muttering “What’s the fucking point”, before the station suddenly went off the air.

Fellow DJ Mark Radcliffe added: “We only put Coldplay on the list so they would come last and we could pat ourselves on the back.

“Tragically though it turns out we were just Heart FM for students and people who buy their jumpers in Jigsaw.”

Another DJ, Mary Anne Hobbs, believes the closure came at just the right time: “This weekend I’d have had to gush enthusiastically about the new My Bloody Valentine album, which is as pleasing to the ear as a washing machine spinning a brick.

“Now I can stay home and listen to proper music like Olly Murs.”

6 Music listener Tom Booker said: “I liked the station because it made me feel cool but my favourite bits were the news and the time checks. The music was a bit weird to be honest.

“They were obsessed with a singer called Richard Hawley – I’m not even sure he’s real.”

Media analyst Francesca Johnson believes the station’s closure could have drastic implications: “Most of the DJs were ex-musicians.

“Now they’re unemployed there’s a very real danger we’ll get new albums by Catatonia, Kenickie, or, god help us, the Fun Lovin’ Criminals.”

 

 

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Prisoners freed from London Dungeon

FORMER inmates of Britain’s toughest prison, the London Dungeon, have described being kept in deliberately horror-themed conditions.

Following an incident where an inmate was deliberately sawn in half, the quasi-Victorian detention centre will close and re-open on new premises at the more progressive London Open Dungeon.

Despite a popular perception that the prisoners at the London Dungeon were lifelike waxworks, they were in fact real convicts kept on display as an example to the general public and overweight American tourists.

36-year-old former London dungeon inmate Stephen Malley said: “It was horrible, there were skeletons everywhere, just lying around the place.

“They deliberately gave me leprosy and painted my teeth black so that I would ‘look more frightening’.

“I would clutch the bars of my cell door and scream at passing families but they just recoiled in semi-ironic terror.

“If you annoyed the guards they would put you on the rack. They even have a member of staff whose job title is ‘the torturer’.

“Worst of all, there was no broadband we were all dealing with Facebook withdrawal.”

The London Dungeon has special legal dispensation to torture inmates using medieval equipment on the grounds that it is educational.

Chief warden Tom Logan said: “Our prisoners were thieves, harlots, brigands and murderers and as such deserved everything they got.

“Maybe we shouldn’t have fed car thieves to rats, but I regret nothing. In fact when I think about it I laugh evilly in a deep booming voice.”