A saxophone solo, and other things that instantly ruin a perfectly good song

ENJOYING listening to a good tune? Here’s an element that’s about to assault your eardrums and put you right off it.

Saxophone solo

‘What a great song,’ you think, bopping around in the kitchen. And then BAM! An awful parping saxophone solo is suddenly abusing your poor ears, ruining otherwise excellent songs like Just The Two of Us by Bill Withers in an instant. At least George Michael had the decency to put the one in Careless Whisper right at the start to save listeners a nasty surprise.

Long intros

Self-indulgent musicians expect you to sit through an age of noodling before they even start singing. The long, miserable 50 seconds of plodding acoustic guitar before Hotel California just serves to make the rest of the dirge even more unbearable. It should have taught the Eagles that ‘fun to play when you’re coked to the eyeballs’ is not the same as ‘fun to listen to’.

Sex noises

When you’re in the car with your parents, the last thing you want on the radio is a song featuring the sounds of simulated shagging. There are plenty of them though, from Madonna’s Justify My Love to Hot in Herre by Nelly. Even the boomers’ favourites Fleetwood Mac, who you’d think you’d be safe with, did it in Big Love. Maybe that’s why your folks like them so much. You wish they’d stuck to tunes about seabirds.

Too much vocal fry

Ariana Grande, Katy Perry, Rihanna and Enrique Iglesias are all guilty of going hard on the vocal fry, but Britney Spears is the worst offender by far. Barely singing at all, she creaks and rasps her way through her songs in a way that sounds less like a pop chantress and more like a rarely-oiled shed door banging in the wind.

Extraneous rap verse

Written a trite pop song and want to add some urban grittiness? Get a hip-hop star in to do a rap. Unfortunately, having someone ramble over your already-bad song only tends to make it worse, as anyone who has had the misfortune to experience Maroon 5’s Girl Like You featuring Cardi B will confirm.

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The girlfriend's guide to being underwhelming in bed

A GREAT sex life is all very well, but what if you just can’t be arsed? Here Nikki Hollis explains how she likes to make intercourse with her boyfriend entirely forgettable.

Blowjobs are a special treat

Blowjobs are like Haribo – there’s nothing wrong with a treat, but letting boyfriends have them all the time is irresponsible. If you give out blowjobs willy-nilly they’ll be dull and commonplace. I’m pretty sure men can get bored of oral sex.

You don’t need to move

Why bother with the effort of responding in any way to sex? You’re warm to the touch, so it’s not exactly like having sex with a bag of cement or a corpse.

Bring up tedious insecurities during sex

The fact that your boyfriend is passionately having sex with you does not prove he is either enjoying it or finds you attractive. Get your insecurities about things like cellulite out in the open, ideally ending in a long discussion of whether your boyfriend prefers your friend Sal due to her marginally larger breast size which he hadn’t actually noticed.

Anal sex is off the table

It just is. And your boyfriend should feel like a deviant for even thinking of it. You’re sexually adventurous enough already. You tried reverse cowgirl in 2018.

Sexy underwear is laughable

Stockings, suspenders, basques – it’s objectively hilarious that anyone would ever dress like that, which I point out to my boyfriend at length while howling with laughter until he says ‘Okay, it was just a suggestion’ and regrets mentioning it. Men need to overcome decades of sexual programming and start fantasising about a nice sensible pair of Sloggis instead.

Not liking condoms is sexist

My boyfriend claims condoms are like wearing a wetsuit in the bath, but I refuse to consider taking the pill based on unscientific, hippyish prejudice. Questioning my choices, even if it was ‘just a thought’, is encroaching on my contraceptive rights, I’ve told him, and if he doesn’t like it he can go back to Gilead.

Complain at every opportunity

Was your body briefly not fully covered by the duvet? Complain. Have the pillows lost their springiness? Complain. Your lover needs to be aware of your needs and there’s no way an incessant stream of trivial whinging could spoil the atmosphere for sex. 

The early night Devil’s alternative  

You’re off to bed at 10.00pm, so your boyfriend can either join you now and have sex but no staying up late, or creep into bed later and have no sex. Be concerned if he frequently chooses eating biscuits and watching Police Interceptors over sex. He needs to see a doctor about his low sex drive.