A Wonderfully Walking Dead Christmas: Six Christmas TV specials that need to be made

IF The Great British Sewing Bee can get a Christmas special, The Walking Dead deserves one. These should be watched annually by families:

Lost for the Holidays

The survivors of the plane crash in Lost wake up to find the jingle of sleigh bells in the air and snow falling across the island. They follow reindeer footprints back to a grotto where Father Christmas himself is there to give them all presents. And like the majority of stunning Lost twists, after this episode it is never mentioned again.

Can’t Pay? We’ll Take It Away… at Christmas!

Baffling that no seasonal special of this show about bailiffs confiscating the goods of the poor was never produced. Imagine burly men wrestling toys from crying children’s hands, turkeys thrown on the floor as ovens are removed, whole families evicted on Christmas Eve. Regular viewers of this show have and it made them very, very hard.

A Wonderfully Walking Dead Christmas

The survivors have holed up in an abandoned shopping mall, where Rick is despairing of ever finding safety. Realising it is Christmas Eve, his friends sneak out overnight and decorate an entire horde of zombies in baubles and fairy lights as a festive surprise. His faith in humanity restored, Rick puts on a Santa outfit and kills them all with an axe.

Our Christmas Planet

Forced to do a Christmas-themed nature documentary for the ratings, a clearly disgusted Sir David Attenborough narrates footage of axolotls and cassowaries and capybaras doing their usual stuff which he claims they’re doing for Christmas. Can be heard swigging neat cognac and muttering ‘the things I f**king do for this f**king planet’ throughout.

Season’s Succession

A board meeting is held on Christmas Day and the Roy family battle each other for control of Waystar, like every other episode but with a Christmas tree in one corner of the boardroom. Fans fall over themselves to call it the best Christmas special ever as if there’s a billion dollars awarded for the most naked fawning.

Christmas Strictly’s Christmas Strictly Christmas

The long-running series of Strictly Come Dancing Christmas specials get their own Christmas special more Christmassy than Christmas itself. Pixie Lott dances with a real live reindeer! Gemma Atkinson tangos in a constantly shaking snowglobe! Across the country, the neurons devoted to Christmas joy overload and burn out! Nobody viewing this will ever enjoy Christmas again!

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Sock fetishist absolutely gagging for horniest day of the year

A MAN with a sexual proclivity for socks is eagerly anticipating Christmas Day, which for him is the horniest 24 hours of the year.

Martin Bishop, 48, has been sexually aroused by the foot garments since he was a teenager and discovered the firm erotic grip of a nice warm sock.

Bishop said: “There’s something about a comfortable sock which makes me go hard as a steel piston. Put a foot in there and I am frothing at the mouth.

“Due to lazy present-buying, Christmas Day is wall-to-wall socks. It might as well be an orgy as far as I am concerned. So little blood goes to my brain I’ve almost passed out by the time the turkey’s ready.

“Knowing I’m inevitably going to be given at least three pairs is enough to keep me awake until then, furiously masturbating every night over patterned men’s ones, hunky, athletic sports socks, you name it.

“I don’t care if I get stupid novelty socks. They still give me an uncontrollable boner and I’m not ashamed to say I have spilled my seed over Wallace and Gromit.”

Bishop’s mother Wendy said: “Whenever a family member moans about getting a pair of socks, Martin snatches them off them, tells the relative not to be ungrateful and starts frantically licking his lips like Gollum, which can be unsettling.

“Yes, he’s a disgusting little pervert I’m ashamed to call my son. But on the other hand he is very easy to buy Christmas presents for.”