Sunak dreading in-laws' questions about when he will achieve something with his life

RISHI Sunak is dreading being grilled by his in‑laws over when he intends to get a proper job with prospects during the Christmas holiday.

His father-in-law, Narayana Murthy, founder of Infosys, India’s second-largest IT company, has a number of probing questions lined up for Christmas dinner and the rest of the holiday season.

Murthy said: “When I was his age, Infosys was already worth several billion dollars. Yet what has that deadbeat Rishi done? Lost my daughter’s non-dom tax status and looked like a twat who can’t even put petrol in a hatchback.

“When I first heard Rishi had become prime minister I was delighted. But he’s so hopeless I doubt he’s going to last another couple of months. Hasn’t he thought about the long-term? What’s his career plan? 

“He isn’t even elected. I’ve told him it’s no good sitting on your backside – when I was a young man you had to get out there and ask for a democratic mandate. But will he listen? No. He just goes on about how Rwanda will fix everything. The lad’s living in a bloody dreamworld.

“Don’t get me wrong, Rishi’s a bright chap. Well, supposedly. I’ve not seen any evidence. I’m going to tell him straight out – give up this little politics phase, you’re no good at it, and get serious.

“I can find him a good, steady job with Infosys. I’m thinking of our call centre, and if that doesn’t pan out something more at his level of competence – tidying up the staff coffee lounge?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Woman who insists on twerking, and other show-offy twats who flock to the centre of the dance floor

THERE’S always one dickhead at a party who wants to demonstrate they can throw some shapes. Here are some of the types who gravitate to the centre of a dance floor.

Woman who insists on twerking

Twerking can be a wonderful and freeing expression of uninhibited sexuality. However, this woman is not Cardi B or Lizzo, she’s someone who has spent too much time on YouTube and is now jiggling erratically around like she’s trying to scratch a hard-to-reach itch without using her hands.

Man staggering around with a pint

The unshakeable confidence of the man and his pint has a certain allure. His shoes are slippery with spilt Stella and it’s a miracle he’s standing, yet he is owning that dance floor. Unfortunately it won’t be long until he pukes on it, and ruins everyone else’s evening.

Woman who trained as a dancer

Maybe you’re just jealous of her talent, but this woman’s precisely choreographed routine to Rihanna’s Umbrella reeks of narcissism. She’s doing the sort of graceful leaps you’d usually only see at the ballet, but combining them with street dance moves, and she looks amazing. Everyone claps while secretly hating her.

Man who does the worm

While the worm looks good, it takes up an awful lot of space, so this guy has relegated everyone else to the edges of the dance floor while he flops around like a seal having an aneurysm. It gets boring very quickly, as he finds out when a pissed up lad trips over his feet and threatens to lamp him.

Musical theatre enthusiast

This young man has seen Hamilton seven times and been in an amateur production of Rent, and he’s step-ball-changing his way all around the dance floor to prove it. If he has any friends with him then you should probably leave now, before you murder them all for being so insufferably dickish and annoying.

Woman who knows the steps to everything

Saturday Night? The Macarena? Agadoo? The Time Warp? If a song has steps, this woman knows them. Which is fine when she’s doing them by herself, but when she attempts to make you sit down on a sticky, dirty floor to do the rowing dance to Oops Upside Your Head, you are well within your rights to tell her to get f**ked.