Abracadabra and other songs the woke youth have ruined for everyone

YOUNG people with their trigger warnings and wokeness have destroyed music, says 68-year-old Roy Hobbs. They can’t play these songs on the radio now and it’s a crime. 

Abracadabra, Steve Miller Band, 1982

If a man wants to ‘reach out and grab ya’, that’s a compliment. I used to do it all the time in the discotheques back in the 70s and it was a great way to meet women. They’d feign anger, playfully slap me across the face, joke about me being a perv and then you’re introduced. Girls these days can’t take a grope.

I Saw Her Standing There, The Beatles, 1963

So what if she was just 17? Back in my day, we left school at 11 to work down the mines. I had my own council house at 14, so a 17-year-old’s a woman by anyone’s standards. I’ve just been to the pictures with a woman who’s seven years younger than me and I don’t see anyone complaining about that. It’s a classic case of double standards.

Every Breath You Take, The Police, 1983

Used to be a nice love song about a man’s undying devotion for a woman despite her not reciprocating his affections. Then the liberals twisted the meaning to be about someone stalking his ex-partner. Makes me sick to my stomach how they can manipulate it like that. It’s a happy song.

Under my Thumb, The Rolling Stones, 1966

I’m an old-fashioned man who looks after women. I once took a girl out who wanted to order her own meal. I put her right. When you’re with me, I take care of everything so so all you have to do is dress nice and look pretty. If you call that being under my thumb, then lock me up and throw away the key because I’m guilty as charged.

Kissin’ Cousins, Elvis Presley, 1954

Elvis was a very virile man, and if he wanted to kiss his cousin, then who are we to say no? He clearly states it’s a distant cousin so it’s fine. They’re only kissing so it’s hardly as if inbreeding’s an issue. I used to have a close bond with my cousin Jane though we’ve not spoken since 1982.

He Hit Me (And it Felt Like a Kiss), The Crystals, 1952

People can sometimes misunderstand lyrics. At first glance, this song appears to be about a woman complaining that her partner hit her because she was unfaithful, but if you analyse the lyrics like I do, she sings ‘he hit me and I was glad’. Case closed; she was glad about it. And it was produced by that nice Phil Spector chap.

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Unemployed 29-year-old increasingly sceptical about making Forbes 30 under 30 list

A BONE-IDLE 29-year-old with no experience or prospects is beginning to have serious doubts he will appear on Forbes’s prestigious 30 Under 30 list.

Joe Turner of Leeds was always confident he would one day appear in the magazine’s round-up of the most accomplished young people, despite not yet achieving anything of note.

But, months from his 30th birthday, Turner is beginning to fear that Forbes have completely overlooked his unique though as yet unexercised genius and potentially brilliant entrepreneurial mind.

He said: “I used to think I was on the shortlist but got knocked off by more deserving candidates, like Kylie Jenner. But now I’m starting to worry.

“Sure, I’m between jobs, failed my A-levels and haven’t raised millions in seed capital for my disruptive start-up, but that doesn’t mean I’m not one of this generation’s brightest young stars.

“I’ve worked in supermarkets, in bars, in call centres, in warehouses. I’ve grown my own weed and sold it. I’m a renaissance man compared to those muppets on the list. If that doesn’t deserve recognition, what’s the world coming to?

“It’s my 30th in March so the clock’s ticking. If they don’t get me in it’s their loss.”

A spokesman for Forbes said: “Mr Turner called us to complain. We offered him an internship but he said he couldn’t be arsed.”