Action film starring 71 year-old man hits snag

THE producers of the new Star Wars film admit they have no idea how long it takes a 71 year-old man to recover from a broken ankle.

As Harrison Ford was hit by a falling door on the set at Pinewood Studios, a spokesman for Disney said: “What do we reckon, a couple of weeks?”

He added: “It does create a degree of uncertainty, but thankfully this will be the last Star Wars film made by and with real people.”

Director JJ Abrams said: “He’s a joy to work with because when he’s on set he genuinely believes he’s Han Solo – or Deckard from Blade Runner, but that’s okay, we can work with that.

“But sometimes, if he hasn’t slept well, he turns up for work thinking he’s Indiana Jones.

“Anyway, the garage door was closing and he tried to dive underneath it, but he wasn’t quick enough and he trapped his foot.

“Luckily he wasn’t wearing his Indy hat. He could have been decapitated.”




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Narrative of entire World Cup decided

EVERYONE has decided how the World Cup is going to progress based on last night’s opening game.

Fans said they have enough to go on after Brazil’s 3-1 victory over themselves, a poor refereeing performance and the appearance of Pitbull, the 21st Century antichrist.

Football prognosticator Wayne Hayes said: “The fact that Brazil scored the first own goal of the competition clearly means that this will be the tournament with the lowest number of red cards since 1978.

“And Adrian Chiles’s dark blue shirt was symbolically foreshadowing Australia qualifying top of their group and knocking out Spain.

“I know about symbolic foreshadowing because I did The Great Gatsby at school.”

England fans say the 10 corners in last night’s match are a clear sign the national side will raise hopes with thrilling draws against Italy and Uruguay, before a defeat by Costa Rica so heavy that it leads to a full public inquiry.

Stephen Malley of Milton Kenyes said: “It was so obvious, from the first kick of the game, that Argentina will beat the hosts on penalties in a disappointing final that I probably won’t bother watching.

“Also, I don’t really like football. Don’t tell anyone.”