Amazon sells out of DVD box sets

TAX-CAUTIOUS online retailer Amazon has been flooded with orders for box sets following the royal pregnancy announcement.

Television will be effectively redundant for the next eighteen months as the eventual unelected head of the country gestates, emerges, and is paraded.

Wayne Hayes from Carlisle said: “I don’t care if Amazon spend their tax money on 30-stone dominatrixes, I’m not watching Huw Edwards use the word ‘glowing’ every eight seconds for the foreseeable bastard future.

“I’ve blocked all the news websites on my internet, disconnected the Sky box and said my goodbyes to my grandmother who’s 86 with a bad heart and an unhealthy obsession with royal wombs.

“I will miss the football, although being a Liverpool fan now’s as good a time as any to avoid results for a couple of years.”

Amazon reported that HBO series like The Sopranos and The Wire were the first to sell out but as the full horror of the situation became clear, Keeping Up Appearances and even Grey’s Anatomy began to shift.

The retailer predicts that at the current rate, people may even turn to buying books to keep themselves occupied.

Hayes added: “I’m just praying my entertainment supply doesn’t give out, I should make it but may be on Season 19 of Last of the Summer Wine before sanity is resumed.”



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Disco meteorologists predict heavy downpour of men

IT’S going to start raining men for the first time in history, according to 70s disco meteorologists.

As the UK’s unpredictable weather continues, sassy female weathergirls have predicted a deluge of handsome men will hit the nation this evening.

Thousands of blonde and dark-haired males will literally fall out of the sky.

Weathergirls Nikki Hollis said: “Tonight for the first time, just about half-past ten, it’s gonna start raining men.

“That’s it really. Or to put it another way, amen.

“Now all you single girls, your first impulse will be to run out and get yourselves absolutely ‘soaking wet’, metaphorically speaking.

“But before doing so, stop and consider the physics of the situation.

“The average hot guy weighs around 11 stone, and that’s before he’s fallen out of the sky.

“The men will be hitting the ground with tremendous force. So really you need to hide in a cave or something, because they will come straight through your roof.

“In the wake of the storm, there will be bits of bone and body parts everywhere, because of course the men are going to explode on impact.

“Sorry to put a downer on things but that is the reality of the situation.”