Android X-Factor Finalist Goes On Killing Spree

DANYL Johnson, the android X-Factor contestant, has killed four of his rivals after a dress rehearsal malfunction.

Show insiders said Johnson was struggling through a Joe Cocker ballad when Welsh singer Lucie Jones deliberately made a fart noise.

A source said: "We all cracked up but Danyl was not amused. He started making this high-pitched whirring sound and his eyes glowed red before firing twin laser beams at Lucie, instantly reducing her to a heap of soot.

"One of the cocky blond twins stepped in to calm him down, but Danyl punched him so hard that his fist went through the abdomen and came out the other side, clutching a spleen. It was at that point that Cheryl started to cry."

Insiders said Johnson repeated the phrase 'Directive: Kill' in a metallic, German voice, as he swung his laser eye-beams wildly around the room, decapitating Stacey Solomon and slicing the instantly likeable Olly Murs in two, straight down the middle.

The source added: "Then Simon Cowell rushed in and said 'Voice Command: Desist'. Danyl immediately stopped dead with his head hanging limp, like Rutger Hauer at the end of Blade Runner."

Although Cowell's team has refused to comment on the incident, there has been speculation that Johnson may be an experimental military robot customised with bland, generic R&B software.

Military cybernetics expert Bill McKay said: "A shipment of prototype robot soldiers looking exactly like Danyl was recently stolen en route to the Middle East. It's our belief that the culprits hoped to fashion them into successful pop performers that can also be used as unstoppable killing machines."

He added: "Nevertheless, he's still the best one and I really hope he wins."

 

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Anti-Cocaine Vaccine 'Wonderfully Moreish'

A NEW vaccine designed to treat cocaine addiction also produces a pleasant, drifty feeling that you could very easily get used to, it emerged last night.

The experimental serum, known as EH-5361 or 'Diamond Sunbeam', was declared a success after clinical trials on a broad cross-section of media workers and estate agents with unmanageable gak habits.

Former addict Julian Cook, a public relations executive from Finsbury Park, said: "For a vaccine it does make you feel remarkably warm and cosy, like the whole world's a big snuggly womb. You just want to curl up in a ball and contemplate your knees.

"And although I'm definitely cured, I'd be willing to volunteer for another similar trial, just to make sure. Extremely willing. Actually, I'm finding it virtually impossible to think about anything else."

He added: "Then again, clinical trials involve lots of paperwork. I tell you what, why don't I just buy some? I've got money. Or, if it would speed things along, I could suck you off."

Dr Stephen Malley, who helped develop the treatment, said: "I keep accidentally pricking myself with big dripping syringes of the stuff and have experienced no ill effects whatsoever. In fact, I feel like a god damn superman.

"I am having like 60 ideas a second and every single one of them is the answer to absolutely everything. I'm going to win a FUCKING NOBEL PRIZE."

He added: "Now I'm so very cold and my eyes feel like giant marbles. In the name of shit, someone vaccinate me."