Android X-Factor Finalist Goes On Killing Spree
DANYL Johnson, the android X-Factor contestant, has killed four of his rivals after a dress rehearsal malfunction.
Show insiders said Johnson was struggling through a Joe Cocker ballad when Welsh singer Lucie Jones deliberately made a fart noise.
A source said: "We all cracked up but Danyl was not amused. He started making this high-pitched whirring sound and his eyes glowed red before firing twin laser beams at Lucie, instantly reducing her to a heap of soot.
"One of the cocky blond twins stepped in to calm him down, but Danyl punched him so hard that his fist went through the abdomen and came out the other side, clutching a spleen. It was at that point that Cheryl started to cry."
Insiders said Johnson repeated the phrase 'Directive: Kill' in a metallic, German voice, as he swung his laser eye-beams wildly around the room, decapitating Stacey Solomon and slicing the instantly likeable Olly Murs in two, straight down the middle.
The source added: "Then Simon Cowell rushed in and said 'Voice Command: Desist'. Danyl immediately stopped dead with his head hanging limp, like Rutger Hauer at the end of Blade Runner."
Although Cowell's team has refused to comment on the incident, there has been speculation that Johnson may be an experimental military robot customised with bland, generic R&B software.
Military cybernetics expert Bill McKay said: "A shipment of prototype robot soldiers looking exactly like Danyl was recently stolen en route to the Middle East. It's our belief that the culprits hoped to fashion them into successful pop performers that can also be used as unstoppable killing machines."
He added: "Nevertheless, he's still the best one and I really hope he wins."