VISITING the home of a twat? Here are six autobiographies that are guaranteed to have pride of place on their shelves:
Everyone needs a bit of positivity now and then, even aggressive bastards. And SAS: Who Dares Wins bad boy Ant has a lot to say about being a buff, burly man who’s overcome his demons by shooting foreigners. If you go to the house of a man with ‘Mission: Total Resilience’ on his shelves, he’ll definitely turn out to be a crybaby with mummy issues.
Unfortunately, Jeremy Clarkson has never written his full life story, preferring instead to eke it out over hundreds of nauseating columns in the Times. But fellow grumpy bloke Hammond is here to fill that gaping Top Gear-shaped hole in your brother-in-law’s shelf with a book about how amazing cars are, apart from when one nearly killed him.
The idea of punching people professionally really appeals to most wankers, so here is a whole book about making a shitload of money from it. It will also teach them that admitting you’re flawed and have mental health issues means you don’t have to take responsibility for the sexist and homophobic remarks you’re always spouting.
Chief Scout Bear’s life lessons about drinking piss in the wild really speak to your middle-manager cousin who has never been camping but thinks National Service should be brought back because ‘Gen Z are too f**king soft’. Gryll’s autobiography Never Give Up will give him some useful tips on navigating the treacherous ten-metre journey he makes from Tesco to his car when it’s dark and raining.
Rounding off any wanker’s collection is an untouched copy of Captain Tom’s memoirs, sat there only because it has something to do with the army and there’s a white man wearing a load of medals on the cover. If you make a passing remark about Britain’s bizarre sentimental obsession with World War Two, you’ll be called a traitor and smacked round the face with a hardback book.